I was supposed to go get Tattooed with Nikki today- we were gonna get shamrocks. Im pretty excited about it, but I dont think its going to happen. Which is probably a good thing, Im so broke-I should be saving money.Maybe next week. I think Kyle and I are hanging out tonight. Im not sure what were doing, or for how long-considering I have to work tonight. We'll see though.

hmmm,what to write, what to say? ever get to a point in your life that just stops? it doesnt go anywhere else, theres no room to move forward, and yet you want to and need to so desprately? That if you dont move forward, if you dont proceed-you fail? But as hard as you try and want, you cant?
im there. Ive been here for awhile, and although I want to things keep happening that keep me in this one spot. Why am I in this one spot? What here is so important, what am I missing? Its like when you die, if something is left undone, you can't cross over. And thats how I feel- I feel like I cant move to the next position in my life because something here and now is undone. Unsaid. Either one, and I cant do anything about it. It all slips through my fingers, one measly grain of sand at a time, and I cant do anything about it. I dont know how.
Why do I think things through this much? Why do I believe that everything happens for a reason, and everything is pre-destioned for me? Why? Why cant I just live a day and not over analyze every moment of every second, every word spoken repeats in my head over and over.

Yesterday was a good day. I woke up later than I wanted to, but it all worked out ok. I tend to sleep in when Micheal/Sandi are home. Its a) because Micheal doesnt wake me up at 4:30 in the a.m. when he wakes up. and b) I dont want to see them.Weekends are the hardest. Ok, so other than sleeping in, the day went well. Nikki and I met over at the bowling alley and played a game of pool and ate onion rings, they were good. Then we took the bus to the movie theater and saw Stranger Than Fiction, it was good. It dragged on in some places but otherwise it was ok. Will Ferrell is just hysterical, and Dustin Hoffman was in it,. Good actors. Then we went to walmart and the met up with Eric, (her boyfriend) and my blind date (yes, you read that correctly-blind date)Kyle, at the roadhouse. We had dinner, it was good. I was so nervous! Ugh,whatever. Anyways, after dinner Kyle and I ended up going to the Shamrock and Thistle for a few beers. I ended up meeting half of his family-talk about nerve racking! It was good, I had a boddingtons and a smithwicks. YUMMY. We sat and just talked, it was nice. Very sweet. Well, that was my night.

I guess I should write something in this thing.
so, thanksgiving went well. my mom,dad, steph,ruth, lewis and micheals grandmother came over. the turkey was good. nothing unusual which i was worried about. i like thanksgiving to be traditional (although I love deep fried turkey..YUMMY)...my favorite part was the turkey sandwich I had before bed. Yum Yum.
Andy and I had a talk, and its still hard for me to process, but hes right. We talk to much. He thinks Im "trying to hold onto something that isnt there anymore", when in reality I just want his friendship. So,I wont call. Not like I used to.
Im just missing people I can be myself around, people that I can love and cherish. its hard. I just want a life.

You know that old saying, "when it rains;it pours" ? Well, its true. I know this from personal experiences-not only do I not make enough money at the place I work, not only is my residence a hell hole-(no,really. Im convinced that this house I live in is built over the REAL Hellmouth. And the people I live with are "The One" and "The Master") And not only do I not have a car (or see one in the future...{I do have a car, but its not insured or registered}), I also am getting sick every week. Last week I went to the ER to get antibiotics for an infection. Grrr, that sucked. The meds were 130 dollars. Yes, thats right folks, 130! Geeze, what the hell. AND now, TODAY I wake up with hives all over my body.
Cant I ever just win? Why must you toture me so? I feel so shitty today. Dizzy and itchy, and I HAVE TO WORK. Why couldnt I have broken out sunday or monday?! I had those days off and didnt do much.

I just want my car back.

Its been such a long time since Ive written here. Theres just so much on my mind, that I can't even focus the thoughts right now. I want to go back up north,but I hate snow.I cant get my car on the road cause it costs too much, and I cant get another job around here,cause the bus system here sucks. (Although, now that I know that there is one-I might just have to start searching down town for a job....)I hate the people I live with-I want to move out, but again, I have no money.
I really do want to go back up north though. Everytime I think of the lack of money I have here, I know I could make it there. I know theres ways to get around up there, I know that theres people that care about me up there. I just hate it, and thats another reason I dont write in here that often-It makes me think of all the things I dont want to think about. ANd it makes me sad.