Pictures.

This is Nella (Kyles younger sister),Heather(Jerrys' fiance), Holly (Mikes girlfriend) and I at the pub.


so, i dont want to go into it all again (ive told this christmas story so many times now i could scream.) lets just say it sucked, sandi was drunk we saw two accidents and ugh. blah...



So, this is Kyle. Thats a horrible picture of me, but whatever. I took this picture outside of the pub. I practically live there now. Kyle worked last night, but I went up to visit holly and nella who were bartending. it was a blast. i laugh so hard when im around these people-i love it.

I feel so welcome into this family. its unlike anything ive ever felt before. I spent Christmas Eve at his house for crying out loud, and his mother invited me.

Continued

So,That statement that Heather said made me so happy. Im just happy to be wanted again-its a great feeling to have people around you that care about you. Then, I went home and passed out. I was so tired,full and tipsy :)

Then, I had to work christmas eve, which wasnt too bad, but was busier than I thought it would be. I got a 30 buck tip off of an 111 dollar tab, on a party of 11 the added gratuity was 27 bucks (they didnt leave me any extra-which kinda sucked...) I ended up making about 80 bucks in 4 hours, not too shabby. Then Kyle picked me up and I went to his house for Christmas Eve-yes HIS house. I was already invited to a family holiday-weird? Kinda, nice? Yes...VERY nice. I had given Holly,Heather and Nella theyre presents on Friday-at the pubs Christmas Party, I got the gift certificated to get pedicures (and in return, theyre taking me for a pedi and manicure...)Heather gave me a candle and a wind chime (just like she got Holly and Nella as well...[I feel so welcome here, its great]) And Kyles mom actually got me something as well, which was very cool. I didnt get Kyle anything (he guessed both gift ideas-wtf?) yet, so sometime within the next week, Ill have to get with Jerry or Heather for ideas.Kyle bought me a necklace...its jade and diamond.He went all out. (did I mention that after out 3rd date-he sent me a dozen long stemmed red roses?!?!)yea, ive been swept off my feet. So,after opening presents we played the game of life-pirates version. I ended up stealing the black pearl and gaining Jack Black as my captian (I started as Will Turner with a shitty boat), I ended up loosing still, but thats ok with me. Then we went to bed. I stayed over Kyles house...His parents are pretty cool :)

So, after waking up at 7am and going to the new Dunkin Donuts in town (yes, we now have DUNKS here!!!) Kyle dropped me off at home. Sandi opens the door and starts yelling at me (its a little past 8.....), so I know its going to be a horrible day 'cause I can tell shes already started drinking.
Continued later

Iam so horrible about writting in this thing. sometimes I cant stop writting in it, and others I have no idea what to write so I go days without doing so.
This past weekend was a mix of good and horrible.
Saturday night,Kyle had to work but it was kereoke finals at the pub and I really wanted to go-so Holly said she could drive me home (Holly is Mikes Girlfriend,Mike is Kyles brother..)Ian also said he could give me a ride home-so I had someone drop me off at the pub after work. It was so much fun. Jerry (Kyles brother) sang first,he sang Bohemian Rhapsody. It was great-that guy is so comical. He cracks me up just looking at him. I also met Kyles mother for the first time-and he wasnt there.(Can we say odd...? and scary, and intimidating.) But, Nella and Heather were there (Nella is Kyles sister, and Heather is Jerrys Fiance) and that made it so much easier. So, after all the people sang, and I drank all I could drink....a bunch of us went to IHOP for breakfast (at like 2:30 am) I ate so much and laughed so hard. And then it was great, cause Heather and I went outside and we were talking, and she goes "I hope Kyle loves you as much as Nella and I do."
WHAT? That was great....

To be continued

Happy List

Here are some things that Iam happy for right now:

Warm weather-anyone who knows me knows I HATE snow. I hate it. I hate being cold, I hate driving in the shit, I just Hate it.

My dog- I love midas, 'nough said.

Work-I hate my job most of the time, and I make shit-but Im still working, so thats a plus :)

Friends, I love my friends, they mean the world to me!

Chocolate-yeah. its good and makes me happy.

Boddingtons on tap and the pub in general-I love the people there, and any place that has boddingtons on tap is great :)

The holiday season-people are usually nicer :) and better tippers.

The Christmas party last night-it was great and fun-and the people were just amazing!

My new found love and ability to cook-I make some mean stuffed shells, and they were a huge hit last night :)

Kyle-This man is freaking amazing. I love the feeling I get when Im with him. I just love being around him and just joking and laughing. Its awesome!!

I need to take pictures of my tattoos. I really like the new one, and I dont think he charged me too much for it. I love tattoos.

Im just trying to work and make money right now. I cant believe I havent even Started christmas shopping yet. grrr, i have so many people to buy for, I hate it.

I got my tattoo! Iam so excited! Its a shamrock and its awesome, Ill post pictures when I get them.
Kyle and I are doing well. Im really happy, and really excited about it.

Isnt this picture of Midas amazing? I love my dog so much. Hes great.
So, this is my new hair cut. How great/funny is it? Kyle has been amazing, I love spending time with him. He just makes me so happy and understands me. Wow, I like this feeling alot.Im so giddy, its crazy. Now the dillema is trying to find him a christmas present.
Im spending Christmas with Nikki, I think. That should be fun-her sisters will be here and there will be lots of great food. Im excited :)

Lips Of An Angel
Hinder
Honey why you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why you calling me so late

im absolutely obssessed with that song right now. i love it!

anyways, everything is ok here for now. I started paying sandi rent today. kyle sent me a dozen red roses yesterday at work. how crazy is that?hes really sweet, and im happy:)

I was supposed to go get Tattooed with Nikki today- we were gonna get shamrocks. Im pretty excited about it, but I dont think its going to happen. Which is probably a good thing, Im so broke-I should be saving money.Maybe next week. I think Kyle and I are hanging out tonight. Im not sure what were doing, or for how long-considering I have to work tonight. We'll see though.

hmmm,what to write, what to say? ever get to a point in your life that just stops? it doesnt go anywhere else, theres no room to move forward, and yet you want to and need to so desprately? That if you dont move forward, if you dont proceed-you fail? But as hard as you try and want, you cant?
im there. Ive been here for awhile, and although I want to things keep happening that keep me in this one spot. Why am I in this one spot? What here is so important, what am I missing? Its like when you die, if something is left undone, you can't cross over. And thats how I feel- I feel like I cant move to the next position in my life because something here and now is undone. Unsaid. Either one, and I cant do anything about it. It all slips through my fingers, one measly grain of sand at a time, and I cant do anything about it. I dont know how.
Why do I think things through this much? Why do I believe that everything happens for a reason, and everything is pre-destioned for me? Why? Why cant I just live a day and not over analyze every moment of every second, every word spoken repeats in my head over and over.

Yesterday was a good day. I woke up later than I wanted to, but it all worked out ok. I tend to sleep in when Micheal/Sandi are home. Its a) because Micheal doesnt wake me up at 4:30 in the a.m. when he wakes up. and b) I dont want to see them.Weekends are the hardest. Ok, so other than sleeping in, the day went well. Nikki and I met over at the bowling alley and played a game of pool and ate onion rings, they were good. Then we took the bus to the movie theater and saw Stranger Than Fiction, it was good. It dragged on in some places but otherwise it was ok. Will Ferrell is just hysterical, and Dustin Hoffman was in it,. Good actors. Then we went to walmart and the met up with Eric, (her boyfriend) and my blind date (yes, you read that correctly-blind date)Kyle, at the roadhouse. We had dinner, it was good. I was so nervous! Ugh,whatever. Anyways, after dinner Kyle and I ended up going to the Shamrock and Thistle for a few beers. I ended up meeting half of his family-talk about nerve racking! It was good, I had a boddingtons and a smithwicks. YUMMY. We sat and just talked, it was nice. Very sweet. Well, that was my night.

I guess I should write something in this thing.
so, thanksgiving went well. my mom,dad, steph,ruth, lewis and micheals grandmother came over. the turkey was good. nothing unusual which i was worried about. i like thanksgiving to be traditional (although I love deep fried turkey..YUMMY)...my favorite part was the turkey sandwich I had before bed. Yum Yum.
Andy and I had a talk, and its still hard for me to process, but hes right. We talk to much. He thinks Im "trying to hold onto something that isnt there anymore", when in reality I just want his friendship. So,I wont call. Not like I used to.
Im just missing people I can be myself around, people that I can love and cherish. its hard. I just want a life.

You know that old saying, "when it rains;it pours" ? Well, its true. I know this from personal experiences-not only do I not make enough money at the place I work, not only is my residence a hell hole-(no,really. Im convinced that this house I live in is built over the REAL Hellmouth. And the people I live with are "The One" and "The Master") And not only do I not have a car (or see one in the future...{I do have a car, but its not insured or registered}), I also am getting sick every week. Last week I went to the ER to get antibiotics for an infection. Grrr, that sucked. The meds were 130 dollars. Yes, thats right folks, 130! Geeze, what the hell. AND now, TODAY I wake up with hives all over my body.
Cant I ever just win? Why must you toture me so? I feel so shitty today. Dizzy and itchy, and I HAVE TO WORK. Why couldnt I have broken out sunday or monday?! I had those days off and didnt do much.

I just want my car back.

Its been such a long time since Ive written here. Theres just so much on my mind, that I can't even focus the thoughts right now. I want to go back up north,but I hate snow.I cant get my car on the road cause it costs too much, and I cant get another job around here,cause the bus system here sucks. (Although, now that I know that there is one-I might just have to start searching down town for a job....)I hate the people I live with-I want to move out, but again, I have no money.
I really do want to go back up north though. Everytime I think of the lack of money I have here, I know I could make it there. I know theres ways to get around up there, I know that theres people that care about me up there. I just hate it, and thats another reason I dont write in here that often-It makes me think of all the things I dont want to think about. ANd it makes me sad.

Sometimes I just feel like no one is on my side. that Im doing this all my own. I get sick when I get this way, depressed. dont feel like writting, cause I want to keep everything inside-so I dont make myself sick.

I cant wait to get back up north. i truely am torn, knowing that theres snow up there, but theres also friends and peace. a peace i havent known i some time now. i wish i had never left.

&Please, dont take the girl

another song thats been hitting me pretty hard lately, Im not sure why.

Don't Take The Girl
(Craig Martin/Larry W. Johnson)
Johnny's daddy was taking him fishin'
When he was eight years old
A little girl came through the front gate holdin' a fishing pole
His dad looked down and smiled, said we can't leave her behind
Son I know you don't want her to go but someday you'll change your mind
And Johnny said "Take Jimmy Johnson, take Tommy Thompson, take my best friend Bo
Take anybody that you want as long as she don't go
Take any boy in the world
Daddy please don't take the girl
Same old boy
Same sweet girl
Ten years down the road
He held her tight and kissed her lips
In front of the picture show
Stranger came and pulled a gun
Grabbed her by the arm said "If you do what I tell you to, there won't be any harm"
And Johnny said "Take my money, take my wallet, take my credit cards
Here's the watch that my grandpa gave me
Here's the key to my car
Mister give it a whirl
But please don't take the girl
Same old boy
Same sweet girl
Five years down the road
There's going to be a little one and she says it's time to go
Doctor says the baby's fine but you'll have to leave
'Cause his momma's fading fast and Johnny hit his knees and there he prayed
Take the very breath you gave me
Take the heart from my chest
I'll gladly take her place if you'll let me
Make this my last request
Take me out of this world
God, please don't take the girl
Johnny's daddy
Was taking him fishin'
When he was eight years old

you know what i realized last night, in all the years Ive known Andy and weve dated-not once have we ever spent my birthday together. not once.

&midas.

Midas freak out.
so, today as im trying to find a ride to work, and talking to andy on the phone, midas is trying to get fisher to play with him-and ends up getting bit. he was yelping and crying as im trying to see how badly hes hurt, well, turns out one of the two dogs took a chunk out of midas' leg. im crying, hes bleeding-andys trying to calm me down. but nothing worked. i called the emergency vet and it would have been 85 bucks just for the visit,what the fuck. and they dont do payment plans, so here iam crying almost making myself sick and ugh. i called out of work, no way im leaving my baby like that! I love my dog.

I wish it were July

I really hate where I live. It just makes me feel like the third wheel all the time. Today, Micheal made breakfast-but he only made enough for him and Sandi. Theres no eggs left so I can make my own breakfast, theres no cream left for my coffee. Theres nothing.
Im jealous of Andy. He did shrooms last night. I wish I were with him, it would have been fun. I miss having fun.Its the whole being wanted thing, again. I dont feel like Iam here. and I hate it. I hate saying "I hate, I want, I need"...Im so sick of feeling selfish. I dont hva eit that bad, its just not what I wanted, or expected at all.

me and midas.

&love.

Lyrics for "Starting Again"

Painting lines and taking down numbers.
Fall into a drink at the table in the corner.
Making eyes with another perfect stranger
When in steps my mind,
“Danger Danger. Danger Danger.”
Worried about starting again.
Stepping out of a long and rainy, lazy morning.
Fall into a deeper understanding of the story.
And these new eyes can only lead me to wonder
About the place that I am leaving
About the spell that I was under
Talking about starting again.
I could lay it all down, pick you up in a blaze of light.
Rolling over mountains, we could roll around all night
And everything would be alright
Once we get in the car and dive.
Starting again.
Here among this wooden life and the stacks of unending paper,
People are starting to scare me and my insides are feeling safer
Than the outside world and the people I no longer comprehend.
I’ve been thinking about starting over
I’ve been thinking about starting again.
Starting again.
It’s another adventure for the massive understanding
,Only time to think about the towns that we are passing.
We could read the signs and feel the blood in our bones,
And anywhere our hearts are beating we could call our home,
And we could start again.
We could start again.
We could throw it all away and laugh into the light of a new dawn.
Laughing at anything, we could grow new eyes and sing new songs.
And we don’t ever have to keep it on the inside,
Once we get in the car and drive.
Starting again.

Please come to Boston

I was watching some of Kenny Chesney on CMT last night, and he started to sing this song-
and well, I started to cry.

Please Come To Boston
Please come to Boston

For the spring time

I'm stayin' here with some friends

And they've got lots of room

You can sell your paintings On the sidewalk

By a cafe Where I hope to be workin' soon

Please come to Boston

She said, "No.You come home to me."
And she said,

"Hey, ramblin' boy,Why don't you settle down?

Boston ain't your kind of town.

There ain't no gold and

There ain't nobody like me.

I'm the number one fan

Of the man from Tennessee."
Please come to Denver With the snow fal

lWe'll move up Into the mountains so far

That we can't be found

And throw "I love you" Echoes down the canyon

And then lie awake at night Until they come back around

Please come to Denver

She said, "No.Boy, would you come home to me?"
And she said, "Hey, ramblin' boy,Why don't you settle down?

Denver ain't your kind of town

There ain't no gold and

There ain't nobody like me

I'm the number one fan

Of the man from Tennessee."
Now, this drifter's world Goes 'round and 'round

And I doubt It's ever gonna stop,But of all the dreams I've lost or found

And all that I ain't got

I still need to lean to

Somebody I can sing to
Please come to L. A. And live forever

California life just too hard to break

I live in a house That looks out over the ocean

And there's some stars That fell from the sky

Livin' up on the hill

Please come to L. A.

She just said, "No.Boy, won't you come home to me?"
And she said, "Hey, ramblin' boy,Why don't you settle down?

L. A. can't be your kind of town

There ain't no gold and

There ain't nobody like me

No, no, I'm the number one fan

Of the man from Tennessee

I'm the number one fan

Of the man from Tennessee."

Won't you come home to me?

I think I cried cause Im sick of all the stuff here, and I miss Boston. I truely do. I miss all the people and the sights, and the money. I miss it all.

My life list :)

1.To learn the lesson between love and depndency.

2.To be happy in my own skin.

3.To forgive myself and others for past wrongs.

4. To travel to (not just through) all 50 states

(only 27 more to go!)

5.Travel to Europe.

6.Quit smoking cigs-even when drinking alcohol and coffee.

7.Finish all my tattoos

(atleast 6 more)

8.Find a job/career where Iam happy.

9.Own something I can be proud of.

10. Refine my eating habits.

11.Stop driking 10 cups of coffee per day.

12.Do some extreme sport that scares the crap out of me.-

i.e-bungee humping,sky diving.

13.Live in a hut on a tropical island.

14.Be closer to the people who truely matter.

15.Find my center

16.Publish my writtings

17.Buy and grow more organic foods.

18.Have enough land to do so.

19.realize my goals.

20.See a phsycic on a regular basis.

21.Learn how to play guitar.

22.Become a mama.

23.Realize my true political veiws.

24.Learn more about history and the government.

25. Go back to school.

26.Fill every blank page of my books with words.

27. Forgive myself.

and last but not least....

28. Make my "life list" shorter each day ;)

Sometimes you just have to hit rock bottom to improve yourself and your life. You think that once you hit bottom you'll be able to go back up-you'll be able to climb out og that rut.

I want to climb out of that rut. I feel like I'm having someone dump sand on me.

And with each shovel full of sand that falls on top of me-I loose more and more of myself. And I'm drowning in sorrows and choking on regrets,breathing in tiny grains of sand that feel like boulders on my chest;crushing me.

I wonder everyday if he hurts. If he feels bad for what he did, for what he didnt do and for what he never got to do. I think he should. He left so much undone and unsaid, he should hurt. I wonder if hes happy, at peace with us, and himself. He should be. It took him so long to get to that point, he should be happy. I wonder everyday why I hurt. Why feel guilty, responsible for what happened.

Its another beautiful day that i wont be taking advantage of.theres nothing to do here without a car, theres no fun, no light. i hate it. i hate being stuck within myself, i cant hang out when i want, i cant leave when i want. i hate this shit.

ruth called me today, telling me all these places i need to apply at. i havent really told anyone here that im leaving yet,well just have to see how it goes.

I just want to be around good people today. Its the kinda day down here, where you grab a car load of friends and go to the beach-all day.
I want that again.

Beach

Ive been craving some beach time, and last night i finally got it. Dave, Nikki and I drove to Cocoa Beach at about 6:30pm after drinking DD coffee, and just roamed around. I walked bare foot in the surf, and other than my pants getting a little wet-it was great. It was exactly where I needed to be at exactly the moment I needed to be there. Just spinning in circles and feeling the breeze and listening to the surf. It couldnt have been more perfect. Really. It was beautiful.
We then went to play pool, and that was fun. I did make in some calculated shots, and looked like I actually knew how to play pool. It was fun. I work today, which is good-cause Im in serious need of money. I need to get the car back on the road, pay some bills, give ruth money-and go. Find some random couch to sleep on, some floor and I'll be set.


I cant wait for beach time up north :)

How to make yourself happy

-Spend quality time with your ever loving doggy.They always know when you need love, and always have plenty to give you :)
-Plan a journey to find peace with long lost, and not so lost friends. Even though they dont know exactly what your going through, friends can always lend an ear or a floor to sleep on.
-Get in touch with old family memebers, and plan a reuinion.
-Sit in the one spot that you feel most comfortable, and write or think or create. This will help channel all that energy into one spot and free you of it.
-Bake (or in my case,) burn some peanut butter lovers cookies. And eat them anyways. So what if theyre burnt-you made them :)
-Have the house to yourself and dance, or sing, or cry. Whatever you want to do to release that stress.
-Sip on some wine, or beer or coffee.Whatever your soul drink is, drink it.
-Talk to really great friends about nothing. Even if they live on the otherside of the country;make the effort. Its worth it.
-Take a long hot bath or shower. Or a quick one, sometimes that water just feels good.
-If youve got someone to cuddle with-DO IT. It feels :) happiness.
-Plan a trip. Anywhere, for anything. Thats what Im doing, and although its a big trip, and its stressing me out a bit;it is well worth it.

My journey for peace has now begun. Officially. I have my last day at work, and if I dont have enough money I dont. but,Im hoping I do, and Im hoping all this shit will soon be behind me, and I will be on my way to a better, healthier me.

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, thats right
I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me.
Yah huh, thats right
If someone said three years from now
you'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out'cause theyre all wrong
I know better cause you said forever
And ever who knew?
Remeber when we were such fool
sand so convinced and just too cool
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could, still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your belssings now
'fore there all gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
But they knew better
Still you said forever, and ever
who knew
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
And I wont forget you my friend

Tonight, leave me alone, Im lonely
Im tired, leave me alone, Im lonely
I don't want to wake up with another, but I dont always wanna wake up with you either.
Cutting off the phone, leave me the fuck alone and tomorrow Ill be begging you to come home.

I wonder how long it'll take them to notice that Im gone
And I wonder how far it'll take me, to runaway.
I was just trying to be myself
You can go your way, Ill meet you in hell.
This life dont make sense to me, Ive got to runaway.

Converstations with my 13 year old self, Youre laughing, but your hiding
God I knoew that trick to well.
You forget, that Ive been you
And now Im just the shell
I promise I love you
Everything will work out fine
Dont try to grow up yet,Oh just give it some time..

^^All excerpts from Pinks album. Really speaks for me right now.
Theres alot of shit going on right now,and Im sorry if Ive been blowing people off, or not telling them the whole story right now. I promise I will get around to it.

*On a side note, I'm deffinatly moving back up north. Im not sure exactly when yet, but Iam. :)

Ive learned recently, that I havent been happy for a very long time. My life got into a rut. I need to figure out how to get it out, and only I can do that. Im hoping that my moving back north will help. I ahve people there, friends already. I like that, and I need that. I havent had friends around in awhile. Im looking forward to it.

everything sucks. i hate where iam. i hate everything.

i dont even know what to write, or how to begin anymore.

i need a way out.

No entry for days, and then a double in one day?!?

Alright, so heres my biggest dilemia. Love.
Ive written an entry (or many entries) prior to this one about love. I love "love". I want to be in love again someday. Ive been in love before. With Andy-at times I didnt realize just how much thought until we were apart. I didnt realize what I had, and what Ive lost in such a short amount of time. I was truely lucky to have that love-and I know I will again someday.
This is a converstation Ive had with Andy numerous times now. Its something that I like feeling;that I want to feel again someday. But not now. Ive realized that Iam not ready to be in love. That my love for Andy and what weve shared has not completely dulled. I dont know when it will, but I know that I can not be involved with anyone anytime soon.
Ive met this guy. Hes great, funny, nice and caring. But I cant be in a relationship with him. I cant be with anyone right now.
I also think that guys are assholes right now. All guys. Yes. So, this guy, weve gone on a couple of dates, its cool. and he tells me hes falling for me?!?! WHAT! no, you dont do that. no. no. you cant. hes 20 and has been engaged 3 times?!?! yeah, no. apparently he falls for every girl that fast. why are guys assholes?

I havent really felt like writting lately. Its sad. None of my thoughts are complete-none of my words sound correct when I put them on paper. Its like they hit a brick wall and stall. They just stop. I hate it. I wish my mind were clearer, I wish that I wasnt so lazy, or so irresponsible. I mean, while Im being irresponsible-Im having fun. Completely free, no worries and no cares. But after the fact, it all hits me like a ton of bricks. Ive worked ONE shift since being back in Florida. Ive been back a week now. One 80 dollar shift compared to the three week $300+ vaction I just took doesnt help! My car is f'd cause I dont have insurance, and I havent registered it yet. Its gonna cost me almost $800 bucks. my taxes are still due. lol. i sent in some money-but not enough, so thats another $800. then I owe ruth back money-almost 1000. So, 2600 not to mention the car payment of 80 bucks dues september 20.
Im so confused lately on how I feel about everything. I mean everything. Love, life, school, work. EVERYTHING. Im not sure what makes me happy anymore. Im not sure what gets me excited. In the love department-im stuck. just stuck, i cant seem to move forward. I dont know why. theres so many things i want from the past.

Usually by now, Id be swimming in the pool, or tanning or at the beach. Not today. Not in this life;this new life that was picked for me-handed to me. No, not handed-handed is a good thing, a rich life-what i was given was slapped to me. Like an open slap across the face. The kind that stings and the spot lingers for awhile. Thats whats happened to me. A lingering sting right on my cheek.

I dont want to be here. I dont want this feeling anymore, this pit in my stomach. I hate this feeling. I miss the people I hung with up North, I miss being at ease-blah. But, I hate the weather and the living situation up north, and here. Im fucked. I hate it all.
I miss John, I miss Andy, Danielle, Jamal. I miss everyone. But- I dont know. Im so lost.

Love

Although I had a great time this past week, meeting people and learning new things; there was one thing that saddened me beyond belief. It was the only thing I could think of as I saw people hugging and kissing their partners, playing with their children, and listening to music. That one thing that laid heavy on my mind-that one thing that made me cry to Andy for hours. Was love. That feeling of knowing everything is going to be ok because your one person is near you, is touching you, is making love to you. That feeling of love that I once felt, that spark that makes sex ten times better. Wanting love, to be loved, to love. I want that. Thats what I told Andy-I want to be, feel and have love.
Theres this song Andy wrote last year after Burdock. It's called Namaste. Theres names of people that he met last year at Burdock, people he had only known a few days. 5 days exactly. This makes me sad. Not because he knew them for a short time (one of the girls in the song actually passed away last year), but because in all the years Ive known him-Ive never been in a song. Stupid, I know. But it hurts me. I know that in his own way he does "love" me,I know that he cares, but to me-knowing music is/was one of his biggest passions, and not having been involved with that side of him makes me feel inadaquit.
I opened my email yesterday after a week of no communication with the outside world and read this quote-I wish I had read it before the week in Maine.

I believe -That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

So, Iam back from Maine. Sitting at the Chelmsford library once again. Its so weird to sit here, staring at the computer screen after the week Ive had. So, last year Andy went to "Burdock", and told me it was the most amazing thing hes ever experienced, and I needed to go and see for myself. He didnt explain burdock to me at all....so I went to Burdock this year with a wide range of expectations. Basically Burdock (named after the burdock plant that once covered the area and feilds its held on) is a community with a wide range of people and veiws on society. Burdock is set to help people learn different trades and skills, and to teach skills used to build solidarity and to learn how to survive without technology and machines. Sustainable living without the "outside" world. I was very impressed with alot of the workshops that were run. Such things as "womans sexuality", "no prisions", and "sexual assult in an active community".Oh, and "eco-feminisim". I think in someways I deffinatly agree with alot of points that people brought up. I have been thinking about moving around as such, from place to place to figure out the meaning of my life-working random jobs, making random money. By finding communities as such it would be so much easier to do so. That way one doesnt have to search for apartments, write into leases and get f'd over. I also learned how to use certian plants for eating, coooking and for medicine. It really was a life changing experience. I will be back next year, but hopefully a little calmer and a lot more secure in myself and other people. I think at the end I was sending out really horrible vibes. I had eaten my first "brownie" and was so high that I was freaking the F out. I got weirded out by some people who had just shown up that day-seeing things, feeling weird ass things. But, I did meet some really great and amazingly open and free people. The river was amazing. It was really cold for me most of the time-but I did my best to bathe every morning (if not in the morning;then the afternoon) but ussually it was so cold, that it didnt work too well.
It was weird not sitting beside a fire last night seeing shooting stars, listening to music, singing along, it was weird sleeping in doors, on a soft object, and not sleeping in a tent, on the wet ground. Not hearing the pots banging and people yelling meal time. Its odd looking at this screen and typing like this when Im still feeling some effects of the brownie.Its weird coming back into this society when I was clearly away for a good amount of time. I do have to say the hot shower did feel real good.

Wow, what a weird couple of days. After spending 61/2 hours at the Orlando Airport and arriving in Boston, Ive slept on the floor, in a chair, on a couple of couches and with Andy. I didnt expect to see him until I went to Maine on Tuesday-but he and Ryan (who I havent seen yet..) were staying in Brockton at his dads house for a few nights. So, I drove down there and got Andy, and brought him back to Chelmsford...we went and visited with his mom for awhile (who I had already gone to see the day before with Midas), then we drove around aimlessly and then we went to visit MEB. That was cool, shes doing real good. and Raven is going to be 5, I cant believe that. WOW. And the best part was that Andy said I looked good. Mission accomplished :)
Then, Friday I went with Mom to Legals, adn I had Lobster :) YUMMY. I missed it so much. I love Lobster.....then Danielle picked me up. That was awesome, I had such a blast looking at old pictures, and laughing about stupid shit, and old school inside jokes. Then we just watched tv and ate cookies, it was great. And I met Stephen, finally-he was so funny. This thick Boston accent which I forgot people actually had :)It was a blast.
Then today, I sat by the pool for 2 hours or so, and the life guard was hott :))

So, here Iam sittin at the Chelmsford Library using a computer here. Yesterday was craziness. I had Jim drive me to the airport because Micheal (Sandis' new boyfriend from rehab ) took the truck sunday night without asking (he also swiped her bank card-but she didnt call the cops the moment she woke up from her drunken stupier sunday night....NO...SHE WAITED UP FOR HIM TO COME HOME...), and wasnt back on Monday night when John, Jim and I went out for dinner...so I asked Jim to drive me to the airport, and kindly enough he said yes. So, we get to the airport around 9:30 am- my plane doesnt leave until 11:46 am, so theres plenty of time to get Midas settled in, and get my bags checked. I did pack why too much sh*t, but you never know when your gonna need something, right? Anyways, Midas and I are sitting near the gate, Im trying to get him back into his bag, and WE MISS THE PLANE. Yes, your read me right, we missed the plane. I was so pissed. So, we get onto the next flight at 3:46 pm....4 hours later. so...Midas and I spent a whopping 6 1/2 hours at the Orlando International Airport. WTF?! It sucked. Althought, Midas did do alot better on the planed than I thought. The bag I bought was too hot for him though, so I just bought a new one at petsmart;also got his nails trimmed which was great.
Now, Im about to go over to the grocery store and buy some food-Imma straving. Im hoping to hang out with Danielle sometime this weekend, also see my sister and brothers on saturday. Then I go to Maine and see andy and ryan on tuesday-thatll be great. Midas has already had one playdate with Ginger-Andys mothers IG-so hes all excited :) Its nice to be home, but Iam a llittle worried about the living situation in Florida. So, apparently Jim and John went over to the house and Sandi called the cops on Micheal, Sandi wanted John to stay with her and he didnt (thank god...)...Ruth called mom today and said that Sandi said that Micheal was back, and the truck was in good condition-which means she didnt call the cops to tell them that he was back.WTF?! Shes crazy.
Is it weird that I have a small crush on John? I mean its tiny-more of a "I cant wait to find a guy like this" crush. He is what I want in a partner.
Blah-Im going to miss him. I actually started crying Monday when I hugged him good-bye for the last time...(well, what was the last time for a very LONG time) . I need that constant in my life-Ive always needed something or someone that felt constant to me-thats why I clung to Andy so bad and so tightly. But with John its different.

Iam so excited. I can not wait to leave here, atleast for a little bit. I need to sit back, relax, and just refocus myself. I need to figure out what Im doing, and why Im doing it before I completely loose my mind. Now, I know Ive somewhat gone crazy already, but before I fully loose all my senses, and sense of self, I need to reexamine what Iam doing. I can not wait.
I leave Tuesday morning and I dont even know if I can hold out that long. Believe me, I can wait to be in Maine with Andy....but I also cant wait to be around my mom and my dad....lol, just chilling in the APT. watching tv. NOT WORRYING ABOUT ANYTHING!!!!

Everything feels like its just at a standstill, that my life is not going anywhere, that the day is just creeping by. Which, would be a good thing-I mean for the latter that is. I havent really done anything today. I basically slept-Im trying to clean my room and finish packing because I dont have time to do it later. I leave Tuesday morning, really early. I work tonight and then Nikkis having a birthday party-which I dont know how long Ill stay there for. Im convinced that lately shes been using me for a ride and to buy her beer-so Imma chill on hanging out with her much. Last night she got pissed at me cause I didnt want to drive to another gas station to buy her a six pack after already stopping at two different places. Then, when I drop her off at her place-she usually says bye, or see ya...nothing...she just got out of the car and went inside. Ummm, ok? Then she calls me this am to tell me that Elizabeth hadnt gotten to her house to take her to the beach-but when Elizabeth texted her, she had to go. WHATEVER.
Anyways, I have to work tonight, I havent showered, I havent brought Jhn his stuff, I havent done anything.Tomorrow, I have to finish cleaning my car. I have to vaccum it out, and situate the trunk. Then Monday I have to buy midas' case, get his nails clipped,go to the bank, do laundry, hopefully lay out side for a good hour or so....I have to finish cleaning my room.
I can not wait for this trip.

As I sit here, with Midas on my lap, sipping coffee,, looking out into the pool-I just need to stop and breathe.For the last five months Ive been looking forward to the upcoming weeks. Thats all Ive been wanting, waiting for. To see all the people I fled from, to see the ex that I might still be in love with.That I thought I was in love with. The last few weeks have made me change so much, I feel like Ive done a 180 in terms of how I look at relationships, how I look at people, and how I look at life.Ive gone from a scared little girl; wanting only one thing, only feeling like she needed that one person to show her how life is supposed to be lived...to a young adult knowing that it cant always be perfect and if shit doesnt go your way, it doesnt go your way. I still am very insecure in myself, and I need validation from people....but now I dont dig for it...people just tell me nice things.
Its going to be so weird in this house with out John here. He truely was my rock-he was someone I could just hang out with, someone whom I care deeply for.I dont want to loose him-and I know we wont loose touch-I know if I truely needed something;he'd be there for me. And Iam for him.Im going to miss everything about him.
Its going to be even weirder waking up and having a complete stranger roaming around the house. Eating my food,drinking my drinks, using my shower! This is not something I envisioned when I decieded to come down here....this is not what I thought my life would be.It bothers me even more that noone understands where Im coming from, no one gets the whole situation. Even John was saying that maybe this guy will "win me over"...NO WAY. Especially not after John and I have bonded so well.
So, heres the deal-I work tonight, tomorrow night, saturday night, and sunday.Nikkis having a B-DAY party saturday night, were going to the beach saturday a.m. (we were supposed to go today, but Im just to sad...)I dont know what were doing sunday-I think Im going to pet smart with John-I gotta buy midas' kennel for the flight, and monday m going to the beach all day-and then I fly out Tuesday.I need to make $300 in these next couple of shifts...If not, I might have to ask John for a small loan.A couple hundred bucks...well see.
So, to ended this shitty entry on a good note, Ill make a short happy list:
Leaving in 5 days. midas playing with ginger, seeing krista at the airport:), seeing my siblings, nikkis party,monday=beach day, dunkin' donuts coffee..., seeing danielle and taking lots of goofy pictures like the old days,meeting stephen,seeing andy,ryan,stacy,robb,dave...

Im ready to give up on the opposite sex. Everything I do to attract them is passed by, I just dont get it.I hate men, boys guys,....Im sick of the ones Ive met-mainly because the ones I like dont give me the time of day.

Its so weird how one person can change your life. How one persons actions can fuck up your path-your way of life. It sucks.Why do I let other peoples problems destroy my moods, my love, my life? Why do I let everything effect me so greatly? It's because people put their problems in my laps. Thats whats been happening to me every since I moved to Florida-ever since I wanted to change my life for the better. Its been getting worse and worse.All the lies, all the deceptions...and now my one anchor in this world, this life is leaving. John is moving out tonight, and he'll be gone by next week. I can't believe it, Im going to miss him so much.
And now Micheal, my aunts new boyfriend that she met in rehab (YES REHAB) is moving in next week. I dont know this guy-I have never met him, I dont know him from one junkie to another, and hes moving into this house, into my "space". My whole world is going to be turned upside down. I dont know if this guy is going to come into my room late one night and rape me. I DONT KNOW!! Iam scared, scared for my life, my sanity...everything. Im scared. Ever since John told me Micheal was moving in, Ive been crying. Im scared, and sad and ugh.....I dont even know.
Im also really sad that Johns leaving-Im going to miss him. He and I have bonded so well, and were great friends. I can trust him with my life, and I needed that, and wanted that. Hes been amazing to me since Ive been here, and couldnt ask for anything more. He truely deserves the best, and I hope in his new life, his new travels, he finds what hes looking for.
Well, I also have some bad news. John gets the computer...so I wont be writting as often in this-But, I guess thats not really bad news. I leave for Mass next Tuesday-6 days from now-and Im very excited. My mom doesnt have a computer at the Apt. so I wont be able to write then, and then Im in Maine on the 8th to the 15th....
Iam so excited about Maine. I can not wait to go camping, to swim in a river, to see andy, to see ryan, and to just relax, and let the stress just melt away :)

So, its getting closer and closer for me to go back up North. I only have 4 more shifts at work (Ive had monday, today and will have tomorrow off{maybe, I want to try and pick it up}) I work, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Im hoping to make $300 this week alone. I need to, and I cant spend anymore money-Im screwed.Im getting nervous about that.
Nikki and I went out for Japanese last night-It was great. I bought her dinner for her Birthday since I wont be here. And then we got DD's coffee and I was a happy camper.Then John gave me an amazing foot massage, and cracked my back. I slept so well, that I didnt want to get up this AM.
I've actually gotta go get Nikki so we can chill at the beach for a couple of hours, before shes gotta go to work.
Ill write more in depth later :).

Starting Again

Alright, things have been so crazy for the last month or so. Im meeting people, well....I mean, the people I hang out with I work with, but were becoming closer. Nikki is still my bestfriend down here, shes so funny. And Ryan is great-weve been hanging out a bit, so its cool. His roommates sister is cool as well, And Nikkis cousin Justin is hysterical-I actually have a crush on him. Ive met a couple of other people, but this is the "crew" Im usually around.Justin and I had a talk last night about how he doesnt think I should go back up north-not this soon and not for this long...I dont know, it was a weird convo. Hes so cute though, lmao. Grrrr...I hate guys.
Money situation is still tight, Im being a little bit looser with the cash than I want to be-Ive got to stop that.I still dont have the money for Midas. Its 50 bucks each way,I gotta start saving. I have probably 7 more shifts at work before I fly out-so no more pool, and no more anything else. Just the beach-cause Ryan pays. LMAO.Im getting tan and I love it. I can't wait to show it off to people up north.
Theres so many things I cant wait to do! I cant wait to drink a DD'S coffee at 2 am, I cant wait to eat lobster-REAL MAINE LOBSTER...I cant wait for northern oysters, or brazillian food from Oasis, I cant wait to see Danielle, or jess,jay or yosef, I cant wait to see Cherin, Danny and the baby, I want Midas to play with ginger, thistle and jakob,I want to go camping, I want to see ryan, and andy, i can have sex-and not feel weird about it, I JUST CANT WAIT.Its really true-you dont know what you have until its gone.

More Poems

I havent written any 'original' works in a long time, so Ill try again :)

I feel that you and I should be together,
after all this;all that weve been through, all that weve shared and experienced, to let it all go to waste would be a shame. But to stay together would be an even greater shame. We both need to grow, to fly, to feel.
Maybe, just maybe, someday we'll be able to feel together.

Tell me something, anything. But make sure its what I want to hear. You dont have to tell me you love me or that well always be one. Just tell me Im yours and your mine and you'll never leave me. You dont have to tell me the truth, you cna lie-just make sure what ever you tell me is honest.

Looking in the mirror is the hardest thing for me to do. I dont see beauty where others would, I dont see a smile on the lips youve once kissed,I dont see color in the cheeks youve made turn red. Looking in the mirror I dont see life in the eyes you looked so deeply into.
Looking in the mirrow, I dont see me.

Its another rainy Florida day. Ive basically just been laying in bed watching tv all day. I woke up late, I was supposed to go to the beach and go see manatees with Steph today. But havent been feeling well for the last couple of days, so I told her tomorrow. My face is peeling from the burn-so I look kinda weird right now. I got drunk last night. I had one beer and a couple glasses of wine. Ryan, Steph, Nikki,Justin and I hung out over at Nikki and Justins place. I drank both red and white wine.I was so loud, and crazy-I cant believe I was that bad. Sandi and John fought again last night-Im glad I wasnt here, although I did hear him yelling this AM, it was odd.
I can not wait to get up north, its gonna be so much fun!I hope the rest of the week is sunny-I need to finish tanning :) And I need to make money-I have 2 bucks right now.
Happy List-
Coffee,my dog,emails, myspace, my car,money, seeing my siblings, going camping,being in Boston,lobster,beaches, pictures,wine,sun, seeing Danielle,being able to sleep at night,friends

Iam so confused! Danielle, every time I try to go to your blog-it wont let me. Is it me, or something else-please let me know.
So, the burn is getting a little bit better. Still hurt to touch, or to wear a bra-but other than that I slept real well last night. Could also have something to do with the fact I did have a drink last night. I really havent had a drink since last monday-and it was a crazy ass weekend so I thought I deserved one.So I ended up going to the pool hall, because I know people there and wouldnt have felt as awkward as I would have somewhere else. So, I pull into the parking lot, and NO ONE is there...cool, Ill have a drink and go home. WELL, turns out HE was the bartender. WTF?!?!Ok, Im not going to look like the lame ass and walk out, right? SInce no one is there that'd be kinda obvious. So, I walk up to the bar-and theres this chick sitting there, He kinda says hi-"hey, hows it going (no eye contact) what can I getcha?" I order an amber boch-Im craving one so badly-dont know why. Whatever. So, he pours it and goes back to talking to the other chick. I watch the NYM and Cubs game and sip my beer. Well, i can hear them talking about sex and shit. weird, weird weird. Anyways...when she walks away from the bar-he kinda talks to me, Im trying not to look at him or anything-make casual small talk when he says something to me, but DAMN boy is FINE. now, he really is hot. Anyways, the chick leaves, and he starts to teach me how to play poker, thats cool. It was fun-now I have some idea on how to play and bet tonight.(Ryan, Justin, and myself are going to a co-workers tonight for a poker game) Anyways,I order another beer, and were chatting about tattoos and shit. I dont know, it was weird seeing him there, but cool at the same time. Is that weird?I happen to mention something...."what are you doing later?"...all he can ask is why. I dont know-just wondering, but Im trying to hint at something...obviously that didnt happen.
Oh, and so Im sitting there, and he puts on Miami Ink-Iam obssessed with Miami Ink. So, ofcourse I have to watch it, so I have one more beer and watch Ami get a traditional Hawaiian Tattoo.That was cool, but looked very painful. It was ironic cause about 20 minutes earlier, we were talking about that kind of tattooing.I dont know. Hes hot,-I made eye contact about three times, but it was awkward.I dont know.I sat there for about 2 hours. But its not like Im stalking him-cause I was hoping he wasnt the bartender.
Money situation isnt going so well. It was so slow at work last night, I made about 25 bucks. It sucked.So, I need to step the game up this week. Im off today and tomorrow, and work the rest of the week. I close I think 3 or 4 days, so I should be ok.
Peace

Ugh.
I got so burnt from the beach the other day. I couldnt sleep the last two nights, I was awake every 20 minutes because I was in pain!! It sucked. ryan got burnt badly as well, his face is bright red and bubbly. I didnt make quite what I wanted to the last two nights at work-but pretty close. Ive given John $240 bucks so I could send my car stuff out-now I NEED $100 dollars so I can get Midas on the plane...$50 each way. THEN I need spending money-oh, and I have to buy a soft cage for midas for the flight as well..so, atleast $400 more in....11 days. I guess its not too bad-its only $36 in 11 days. Not too bad. SO, my goal is atleast $50 a day...thats 550 bucks.Sweet.
It's kinda weird to see John moving all his stuff outta the house. It makes me sad. Real Sad. Im hoping hell be here when I get back from up North, but I dont see it happening. Also, Ryan will probably be gone as well, so Im real sad. All the people I care about are leaving me! It always happens.

Peace

So, today is Friday.Its been a couple of days since Ive written last. I feel like so much stuff happens in my life in a day. Its crazy. Im crazy. Im convinced of it now. Im absolutetly nuts. Not that I try to be-because believe me;I dont. It just happens.
So, since that party on tuesday,Ive been trying not to spend much money,unfortunatly though-not going too well. Iam saving money-but not enough. I picked up a shirt tonight so hopefully Ill make it up. I need to make 100 or more tonight, that way I can send my car payments out. THEN tomorrow and Sunday I need to make 100 or more each day...All in all I need to make 830 bucks before I leave for Mass.
Tuesday Night I ended up coming home instead of going to Nikkis house. Good call. That chick steph and ryan were there again-so you know it would have been craziness-yet again. Then,Weds. I was gonna stay home all night and just chill but Nikki called me to go play pool. So, I get there and shes not there yet-and the bartender (whom I thought was cute and tried to get his number the week before)calls over to me, and is like "so, you dont know how to use a phone"? anyways, long story short-I end up giving him my #.
He's cute. We'll just have to see what happens there though-cause I dont think anything will.
I also kinda told Andy I want to move to WA, and he said it was cause I was still "hooked" on him.No, Im not hooked on him. Its more of a comfort zone-which I guess is a bad thing as well. Ya know? Cause Dans out there, Ryans out there, Chris, and I dont know....I think itd be nice to be around people who somewhat think like I do and like to do the same things as I do. I dont know-Im so lost in myself and it sucks!
Well, Ryan, Nikki and I are going to the beach today-so Im gonna go clean my car and shower. Peace.

Iam in so much pain. Physical pain,emotional pain...just pain. Ok, so yesterday started out with me calling Nikki to see if she wanted to come over and swim.John and Sandi are both at work-not that John would have minded anyways-hes cool like that. Ryan and I (Ryan is a new guy at work-he moved here from Vegas...how cool and dumb is that?who moves to Titusville Florida from Vegas...anyways) had made plans the night before for me to pick him up and hed come over as well....so, I go get Nikki, and we drive all the way across town to go get Ryan.We get to Ryans house and Ryan asks if his roommates sister can come over.Sure, why not..the more the merrier, right? So, we get to my house after running so many errands...and were out by the pool-and we call this kid Brian that we work with-so he comes over with his g/f. And then Nikkis cousin-Justin comes over. And, I kinda have a crush on Justin. Like, hes just a really chill kid, hes cute, and funny...yeah, and my age. which is great. I like that. so, John comes home-after weve been wrestling in the pool, people are doing body shots off of Ryans roommates sister...her names Steph...It was crazy. my uncles just laughing at us.Just cracking up, and Jims there too..Too funny.
So, anyways, we take this party over to Justin and Nikkis place and all hell breaks loose.After Megan and Brian leave-its me, Nikki, ryan, justin and steph. So, Justin and Steph start making out, ryan and nikki are in deep conversations, and I just feel so left out. And the some how ryan deciedes hes gonna body slam me. Like 20 times, he killed my back.He was so drunk.So drunk. So, I have to be responsible and get Ryan and Steph home, but Im already in the "woe-is-me" mode, and I HATE WHEN I GET LIKE THAT. Its dumb, and I know that. Pointless, no one gives a shit-but why do I get that way.
I dont know-Im gonna have to work on it. I think the biggest thing was that Ive been trying to hit on Justin for the last 2 months-and he meets this girl and BAM...I dont know. It makes me feel less than good. Like shit really-ya know? If you asked any guy Ive ever hung out with theyd probably all say that Im "cool,funny, and great to hang around with"...ya know...like a really good friend. Andy would even say that.And I was engaged to him, lmao.Im sick of being the sidekick. Im always the sidekick.
So, Ryan by the end of the night is trashed. I drive him and steph home-hes all rowdy.like crazy rowdy. it was funny.hes such a cool guy-he really is.....
but today im in so much pain-its crazy.my lower back is hurting so badly.
when i get to be with someone again-i think a guy like ryan would be perfect. hes too funny, ans sweet,....yeah...

kinda long

So,Over the last 5 months (a little bit less than that-I got here at the end of February) my life has been a frickin' roller coaster ride. Not that it wasnt before,but it really is now. I moved down here thinking it was the best move for me. I figured Id have a stable life with lots of fun-Id be able to save money and move out into my own place. Id have a gang of friends who cared for me and who I could hang out wit, and Id be more secure in who Iam and what I was put here to do. But its the total opposite. I have a handful of friends, ok...not even that many.It's more like 2 or 3. I mean, I know people, but people I would actually go out of my way to help cause theyre cool. And I miss that.I miss people who would drop almost anything for me and help me-and visa versa. Anyways, Im living in a situation which sucks. My aunt is an alcholic-and Ive had problems with alcohol as well, so me being around it just reminds me of all the shit Ive put people I love through in the past. Especially the way she acts around my uncle-it reminds me how I treated Andy in the past.All she does is drink day at night, she and I used to be so close but we dont talk at all anymore. She hates me cause I talk to my uncle and she thinks Ive taken sides. But thats what happens when someone tries to push you down a flight of stairs or pees in her pants cause shes so drunk, or gets into a car accident and then passes out in the driveway.
Im horrible at saving money, so I have practically no savings, I cant pay my bills-thankfully I dont have many.But, Iam 24 and I should be more responsible for myself. My other aunt that lives in Tampa called and lectured me yesterday-I had a nervous breakdown. I hung up on her-she wasnt to happy about that one. Oh well, it made me feel better. I know Im fuckin' my life up-I know Im at a standstill, You dont have to throw it back into my face and lecture me and yell at me, and tell me your washing your hands of me."Youve had all the chances your gonna get Rachel. Youve had many more chances than your brothers and sister"...OMG, YES, I KNOW THIS. Do you not hear me sobbing and crying begging you NOT TO DO THIS. Not right now, not after the week Ive already had!!!! Yes, by some 'standards' Iam lucky. I have a roof over my head (a nice one at that),food in my stomach, and a bed to sleep on (as uncomfortable as it is..its still there). I do live a life of "luxary"...but its not my life-I dont ahve a great job to pay for it, and I dont have a good enough job to contribuate money into the household. Therefor Iam lucky to be living here. But the situation Iam in just sucks, and the fact that I dont pay money really bothers me. I know I do my share-believe me,...I do, but I still feel badly.Im also worried (to the point of making myself sick) that this is all going to be gone once I come back from the North. Sandi (my aunt I live with) is already close to being fired, with John (the uncle Ilive with) going to Knonxville, Tn.. within a month-shes gonna fall apart even more than she already has. she was gone for 2 weeks, missed 3 days of work (after missing all the days prior to that...her being hospitalized 2ce-and her just not going in a bunch of times)...Im scared. I dont have the money to go anywhere. I do have to say though, Nikki and Justin both have offered me space at the place they are at. I love Nikki, I really do-she is amazing. I dont know what I would do with out her down here.

I just want to be up north-safe, sound and around things Im familiar with, and situations I can control. I dislike things that are not under my control!!!! Grrrr. Thats it for now. i just want dd's,flowers,playing with the puppies,lobster,northern beaches, photbooths and goofy friends,lives bands, lowell,boston,the t, legal seafoods,cherry wheat beer,camping,my family, friends!!!

I dont know what to write

Danielle says I have to write in this thing more often so here it is. Life has been absoluetly crazy for the last two days. I cant even think straight anymore. Im broke, Im sad and Im lonely. Im not sure if Im able to even fly up North when I had planned on doing so. Thats a long story that will write about later-now Im running late for work. I have to shower still.

does that work?

rachel reed -- [noun]: A master blogger 'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Happy July all

Alright, so yesterday was completely an intense day for me at work. I live in Titusville, Fl. The resturaunt I work at is directly across the river from Kennedy Space Center. Theres a launch this weekend-it was supposed to go yesterday (@ 3:38 pm-with a five minute window) But at 3 minutes-it was scrubbed. So, mind you- we dont usually open until 4, we opened at 1...every talbe in the place was flat sat...I worked my ass off all night. I made relatively good money...but Iam so tired--so tired that I started dreaming about work and some crazy messed up shit.

Anyways,since they scubbed it yesterday-I have to do it all again today. But Iam so glad that I have the next two days off. Its great. Im just gonna swim, and eat and sleep.. I can not wait until I go up north. really itll be great-so stress free and fun. I need that-fun.I get to see my siblings, and Danielle!! Yes, I miss them all.

I need friends

I know I have friends;great friends at that. But dont know. I really wish I were in a better situation. I wish that Sandi and I werent so distant. I havent seen her in almost 5 days (and shes gone this whole weekend)-and when I do see her;she doesnt really talk to me. She writes me notes. Shes acting like a child-its ridiculous. Im sick of the bullshit and tension. I dont know if I can live here anymore.

This is what happens. I start a blog somewhere in cyber space, and then I stop writting in it. Always happens to me. I havent written here in 10 days.
Life is all messed up-as usual. I dont know where Ill be living once I get back from Mass;but I do know that I cant live here. Its cool that I have the place practically to myself-I mean its a huge house. A beautiful one at that, I have my own bedroom-to a certian extent,theres a pool, theres a fridge full of food-everything one would need. But, its so lonely. Im lonely enough in this town, I cant have my family not talking to me as well. But, I really dont want to talk to her anyways,but still.

And the fact that Im frustrated over this money issue just sucks hardcore.I dont know.I just cant wait to get up north and see people who care, and want to hang out with me-and people that get my sense of humor;and will listen to me ramble about all the shit going on in my life right now.

And, I get to have sex. That has to be the best part, for sure :)

Sometimes this is how I feel

She was my once in a lifetime
Happy ending come true
Ohhhhh I, guess I should have told her
I thought she knew
She said I took her for granted
That's the last thing I would do
Oh I'll never understand it
I thought she knew
I thought she knew my world revolved around her
My love light burned for her alone
But she couldn't see the flame
Only myself to blame
I should have known
I should have known
A heart full of words left unspoken
Now that we're through
I'd sell my soul to have this silence broken
Oh I thought she knew (I thought she knew)
I thought she knew my world revolved around her
My love light burned for her alone
But she couldn't see the flame
Only myself to blameI should have known
I should have known
She was my once in a lifetime
Happy ending come true

*Insert HE where is says "she"...
sometimes that how I feel-and other times, I know I tell him what I feel. Believe me, he hears it almost daily from me. I will tell you though, he called me today when he didnt hear form me yesterday.Vast imporvement I must say.
Didn't do too much today, swam a bit, cleaned a little and then was supposed to go play poker but that didnt happen. Ended up just chilling with Nikki and Jermey. Awkward a bit-Jermey is a great kid, really. He's so in love with Nikki too, it's great;but she's just so young she's really not ready for that kind of comittment. Anyways, we played pool. Im getting better-I still lost but not AS badly. Maybe he and I can play when we get up North. Oh, Iam a little upset about something;apparently he plans on staying with her the whole time were up there though-not very cool;but we'll see.

It's time for a happy list

Even though I have so much crap going on in my life right now, I need a happy list.Happy lists are great;even if they are short.
Midas-my dog means everything to me! I freak when I think Ive lost him-I love when he lays on my lap as Im typing,and when Im crying;he knows thats the perfect time to kiss me :)
John-He is my sanity in this craziness. He is the only one who truely knows whats going on in my life. He lives this sh*t with me.
Sunshine-I hate snow. I love when the sunshines, it instantly makes me feel better.
Palm Trees-I love palm trees, I dont know why. Ive always been obsessed.
The Pool-I like to swim. Its comforting and relaxing.
Nikki-This chick kills me.She is way too funny.Shes befriended me when noone else has.
Danielle-Iam so glad were back in contact. I never realized I missed someone so much. Thank you.
My sister-I am talking to my sister again after 5 years, thats crazy dude.
My Job-although all the people suck, its a little bit of cash for now.
Him-Although we fight, I miss him.

And the tears just fall

Ugh what a day, what a day. And its only 2:14 pm..Only 8 more hours of this sh*tty day left. WTF-Its beautiful out. Absolutely gorgeous, the kinda day where I should be floating on my raft sunning myself, and Midas for that matter.But, I can't bring myself to go back out there. Im just at a loss today. I slept well, and I mean WELL. I used this areomatherapy stuff, and it worked. I dont feel like I slept, but IM not tired either. CORRECTION:I wasnt tired. Now, Iam emotionaly drained. I can't do this anymore. I dont like it. I hate this feeling. I was doing so well, living for me and then like everything else in my life-BAM. I think for him. I work for him, I cry for HIM. Why?!?! WHY do I do this to myself all the time.Why cant my confidence level stay up there? Why cant I continue to do the things Ive been doing for MYSELF-why do I need his approval?! I dont. I know I dont, but I feel like if I dont get his approval, all the things Ive been doing wont matter. That Im not good enough a person, that all my accomplishments (and believe me, I have made many since being down here) arent great enough. That the baby steps Ive been taking are just that-baby steps, and not big enough..not momentous enough to matter to him. That everything should be done his way-that his life is much more important than mine. And since were so far away, mine is minimal. I know this isn't true, and that my thinking is F'd up-but I feel like every time we talk-his life is so much better than mine. And, right now, it is. But, I dont know. I feel like right now, no one is in my corner-not even him. And Im so used to him being there for me no matter what. And thats whats f'd me up-in the past I could get away with anything, and now when Im doing things for myself, and for others, and having fun-Im not being praised;so I think that if I revert into my old ways-everythings gonna be ok. And Im seeing that its not, and Im hating myself for reverting, because I dont want to be the old me. The old me was self-fish and spoiled and everything in between. He treated me so well, he really did. Im sure any other guy would have killed me or dumped me. And I treated him like sh*t-wow.And when I revert into my old self-I treat him poorly yet again. All I want is to be friends with him-but I want to feel some love in return. I feel like the only one maintaining this friendship-but I dont give him enough credit;atleast he wants to be friends with me. After our history, I wouldnt want to be friends with me. I know he has a life that doesnt revolve around me-I understand it;I just dont like it. But, I'll learn to live with it-because it means I still have him as a friend. And thats better than nothing. And since I talked to him this afternoon (AM his time), the tears just wont stop falling. But now, after writting this,I understand that these tears arent all sad ones. I know that I have a great friend in him-and if I were in need of a true friend, he would be there. He proved that today, talking to me after the short second call...He knows how to put me in my place in a gentle way-in a way thats easy for my mind to understand.We dont always agree or understand the others veiw-but we comprimise. Thank You.

Do you ever just say "Why Me?"?-I spoke too soon.

Thats what Im saying to myself over and over today. Why me? Not in a conceided way. But just a general, why me. It seems that whenever I feel like Im getting myself back on track I slip-somehow, some way I fall. Give today for instance, things seemed to be looking up once again-Im over my period, the sun is shinning (off and on, but its there), the dogs are somewhat behaving and I seemed to have been happy (although last night I did cry myself to sleep-but that was due to exhaustion Im sure). Well, after the freak rain storm-which happened right after I put my bathing suit on none-the-less, I went to wal-mart to get some things. There Iam, sitting in my car, waiting for a car to turn into a parking spot, and BAM-I get hit. Not from the back, not from the front-but from the side. This f'ing woman is backing out of a spot-ON HER CELL PHONE and motherf*cking hits me.And as I scream for her to stop-cause I see it coming, she says "oh, I didnt see you there.." YOU DIDNT SEE ME?!?!?!?!? I was sitting there for 5 minutes, ATLEAST waiting for the car in front of me to pull into a spot, AND YOU DIDNT SEE ME?!?!!? WTF....So, there is mininual damage to my car, but she dented her trunk-GOOD, SHE FING DESERVES IT...We did not exchange information due to the fact that I dont have insurance (I didnt tell her that)..and as long as my alignment isnt off, I could care less. Im just so down now. So, I get home and call Andy-ofcourse. Im freaking out cause of everything-and just so pissed that not ONE thing can go my way. YES,Iam being selfish right now, and I dont care. I want something to go correctly so I can be happy for more than an hour at a time. GRRRR!!!!!!So, I call Andy and we chat for a bit (I can't call long distance on the landline-and I have no minutes on my cell)....we talk about the accident, I appoligize for monday-blaming it on hormones, (Im convinced I physco when Im on the "rag"..stay away-you've been warned)...We talk about Dan flying in, and also about Chris' party and how he has to work the "breaker shift" and how no one wants to work it for him. LOL, here he is, having this huge party for Chris' b-day, dan will be there so will rob, and he has to go to work from 6-8 to cover breaks.Dude, that is not going to happen. He'll be completely sh*t faced.So, I end that convo with "when am I receiving this package?" (I sent him a box with blank cds, envelopes and 20 bucks to burn cds for me.....) he says "I'm still trying to fill it up..." Okay then, whatever you say. Then we hang up, agreeing that I'd call him friday am.Now, mind you-he's three hours behind me. I hate that sh*t, so, when he says to call between 9-10 am, it's really 12-1pm here. Im busy (sometimes....)Anyways, After I finish the dishes and switch Johns laundry over, I call back. I've been wanting to ask this question for some time now. Everytime I look in the mirror at my body-I get confused, weird I know-but listen...it's like,I like certian parts, like my breasts, my hips, and my stomach-but at the same time I dont like my stomach, or my thighs (I REALLY HATE MY THIGHS) , So, I ask Andy if he likes my breasts. and he says yes, and kinda laughs...I'll explain in Maine...it'll be easier to do it then, than over the phone.&I made myself lunch today-very proud of myself. I sauteed garlic,ginger, olive oil and mushrooms in a pan, then I cut some steak and peppers and tossed them in. It was good. :) John yelled my name this morning at 6am, somehow he splashed chlorine into his eye and needed me to help him flush it out. That was exciting-and then I fell back asleep.Slept long-that was good, but now Im tired from doing nothing, really.

Sunny days are here again

Well, not fully on the inside. But out doors for sure. It's back to the orignal Florida weather, no rain, no clouds...lots of heat and sun. So, Im sitting here in my bathing suit...A triangle bikini top, bikini bottoms and shorts. yes, i swim in shorts, I have to. Iam so self concious.Deffinatly not as bad as I was before, but Im still there. I made a fool out of myself (again) on the phone monday. I have my period, Im cranky, its rainy-and Im talking to him and when i talk to him when all the elements are against me, im a loon. Truely the biggest crazy person you'll ever meet. Sure, I still have feelings for him, I still care about him, and would do ALMOST anything for him, but I act like I live for him. And thats not true.I truely have learned to live for myself, and to do things for myself. I enjoy my life now (not that I didnt before, but it wasnt for me...), Im learning to do more things on my own. Simple things, like play pool...I would never had played pool willingly before..or swim, I never wanted to be around him in a swim suit..I never thought I looked good enough, my self esteem was trash. But now, I dont know what happened. Now, I feel like I can do almost anything.Im enjoying life more, and though I get down I know it wont last. It's just negative energy.
I feel better today-now I just feel like a fool because of monday.I sat there crying on the phone-it always gets like that when I feel down. I just feel like no one cares and especially him; I feel like he doesnt give a sh*t about me. It's stupid, because I know he does. I know that if he didnt we wouldnt be talking;we wouldnt be friends. So, I can't wait until August. But, Iam nervous at the same time..what if I loose the confidence I've gained within the last four months, what if I revert into my shell once more around him?I dont want that to happen.

Ive survived my first tropical storm

Thats right kiddies, my first "tropical storm" Alberto, to be exact. Not that it was bad over where Iam-just lotsalotsalotsa rain. Which we needed, so Im not complaining that badly. and some wind.
Feeling a bit better today.Still a little down and emotional but deffinatly not as bad as yesterday. It was just nasty and hot yesterday. Sandi is on vaca right now, so thats good. I slept well last night, got my back cracked and everything was ok.
I have to work today-so hopefully I'll make some money and the day will get even better.

And the feeling just stops

Thats my problem. Im going really well for a few days (this time it was more than a few days-it was actually a few weeks) and then BOOM something happens to make me fall back into my lull. This time it was a combanation of a couple of things. First, I got my period. That always makes me feel like sh*t.Ever since I had those damn cysts I get craps that are debilhitating. I just want to curl up in a fetal position and die. Well, not die but lay there and moan out loud for hours on end. Then, the weather has been hot so, having my period and driving to work (a resturaunt none-the-less) with out A/C kills me. It makes me gross and nasty. It's also been raining now since yesterday-so that just depresses me even more. Also, I was "invited" to play poker tonight-but I highly doubt the guy (new guy at work, Ryan) is going to call me and give me directions...so...one more thing people at work can talk about. Me. Why do they like to talk about me. Im not THAT interesting. Im just down, and depressed. I can NOT wait to be up North and see people who care about me! I need some New England loving right about now.
I thought everything down here was getting better. I was having more confidence in myself, I was doing things I'd never done before-or not done willingly. I don't know.I just need a good nights sleep, and a massage. :)

Plans?

I get bored way to easily. I like to change things constantly-although I hate change within my "unit" (great word Danielle). If I initiate the change in myself, I enjoy it. If someone in my circle starts a change-it bothers and scares me. Now, by this I mean, I can change my style, my hair color, my hair cut, my surroundings. But if someone else tries to do so, I freak out. The place where Iam is changing daily, and I hate it. It makes me feel like Iam no longer in control of my own destiny. So, I hate it. Im trying to get myself back in control of my own destiny-my own path.
So, this is what Im thinking. Im 24 years old, Im single, and I have nothing teing me down. So,why stay? I figure since Im going to Maine and Mass this summer, I'll come back to Florida (because, I do love it here....)for a few months so I can save some money. And then, Ill move. I really want to go see everyone in Washington State, so why not live there for a few months? Then, when it starts to get cold there, move back to Florida for awhile. To Tampa, cause thats where my mom will be.Then when it gets to hot down here, go to Vermont. I love Vermont, then again, when it gets to cold up there, move back down south somewhere. Maybe Tennesse. I like TN. It's pretty. Then, who knows where. I don't see why I shouldn't be able to do this. We'll see though.

Walking Contradiction-Part Deux

I'm a sucker for a man man in a suit. A good looking man, wearing a nice suit...and tie..The whole nine. Sitting at the bar-sipping a martini having an intelligent converstation.
But then again, I'd fall for a guy instantly if he were wearing shorts, a t-shirt, sandals or flip flops and playing guitar while sitting next to the fire.
Iam scared of dying alone. I have this horrible fear that I will never get married, never have the family that I've always really wanted. I want to find someone I can love and who can love me-for me. I want that.
But, I dont want to settle down, want to travel, I want to see the world. So, I dont give anything a real chance, I push it all away.

Iam a walking contradiction

Iam happy when the sun is shining.
I love to walk, and kiss and make love in the rain.
I love my family-even though they piss me off more often than not.
I love my dog.
I love to sleep and to swim.
I love music more than anything.
I love being entertain, and entertaining people in return.
I'd happily sit at home and watch a movie,
or drive a thousand miles.
I enjoy meeting new people and having endless random conversations

ramblings.

I hate when *Mark is right. It just bothers me for some reason. I was in the car yesterday driving with my friend *Patricia to go get coffee. And I was letting her read some of my poems, and she happened to come across my ramblings. She stopped reading and looked at me and said 'You worry too much, you need to stop stressing.'...Yes, I know.I worry about EVERYTHING all AT ONCE. I don't know how to seperate things and just worry about one thing at one time, like normal people do. And thats what Mark says to me. And now that someone else has said it to me, it's like a slap in the face. BAM...Reality. And now that someone else sees it, it's not just him trying to make me 'feel' bad. Not that he was in the first place...
Anyways,...Ive been thinking over this 'pact' thing, and I feel like that we should plan out the sex. That way it's not really like were 'making love'..cause that would be weird. This is sex-for sex. Which I need, or I might snap. It's not good to go so long with out sex. really, im convinced now.

More Poems

I want to thank Danielle for showing me this site-Iam now hooked. Love ya! Heres some more stuff that I've written.
Sadness creeps into me,
Covers my eyes with a liquid sheild.
The curtian begins to fall down my cheeks, one drop at a time.

Looking in the mirror is the hardest thing for me to do. I don't see beauty where others would. I don't see a smile on the lips that you've once kissed. I don't see color in the cheeks you've made turn red.
Looking in the mirror I don't see life in the eyes you looked so deeply into.
Looking into the mirror, I don't see me.

Beauty.
What is the deffinition of 'beauty'?
Who says long blond hair is the epitimy of beauty?
Who decieded that a a thin fram with bones showing is beautiful?
I want to know.
Because that person is wrong.

You always tell me to smile.
How can I smile when I feel like this?
How can I learn to love someone new when I haven't gotten over you?
Why am I like this?
Why can't I listen to you for once and
Just Smile?

a new poem

Tell me Im yours and agree that your mine-always.
That no matter what time brings or changes-we'll be together,in someway;some form
Friends,
Friends with benefits, no strngs attached
Tell me you care,but don't hurt me
Tell me I'm the only one, but don't trap me
Tell me it'll never work between us, but don't leave me.

Thats something I wrote the other day at work. It has to do with *Mark and the pact we made.

sex

So, I talked to *Mark today. We talk two-three times a week, depending on how crazy I'm feeling or how hetic the sh*t is around here. Anyways, we were just talking about how I found my sister-yes...MY sister.. I found her on myspace and we've started talking which is fabalous. Anyways, I was talking to Nikki yesterday about how I haven't had sex in 4 months now, and how Im deing. I need to have sex-but I don't want to have sex with just anyone. So, I asked *Mark today if he were seeing anyone. Actually, I said 'I have two semi personal questions for you, is that ok?'... to which he responds 'ask and then I'll tell you' (typical him, btw...) so, I say 'are you seeing anyone?' answer is 'no'. (just like that, no...but it sounded weird how he said it, ..anyways...) I continue with my "two parter"..'well, if your still not seeing someone in August, can we have sex'...to which I expect laughter or silence but instead got a straight forward answer (for once)..'yea, we can...I was thinking about that too.'
We talked a little bit ater that about everything going on, and all our friends and his brother. Then, when we ended the convo, I said "thanks for not being weirded out about the questions"...he said: "Im actually excited now.." and so am I, so am I.
So, thats my story for the day. take care.

Poems I've written

Danielle told me about this place..and it seems like a cool place for me to post my writtings. So here it goes, bare with me, and please, don't judge.

This first one is untitled right now,
Can you help me?Tell me why I can't do this thing.This thing called society.Why don't I blend in-why dont I fit the the 'mold"Why must I "rebel" it all.I'd rather be outdoors smelling fresh life.Being happy to be there, in the middle of no-where, taking it all in one day at a time- and not just for 48 hours, but forever, all of eternity.Why can't I be content doing the grind?The "normal" life thing?I've never really like the "normality" of it all, I've never enjoyed following the rest. But, I feel like I have to.I feel like thats my job.I want more, so much more.I want- no, I need- to breakaway.I need to take one step forward-to be outdoors.Smelling fresh life-trees, flowers, AIR-fresh non-cityoxygen.If only everyone could experience that.Maybe the world would be a more peaceful place.

Ever Wonder?

Ever wonder what it would be like?
Today?
If you and I had stayed together as one?
Ever wonder what it would be like?
Life together.
Ever wonder?

Do you hurt know how much you've hurt me?
Ever hurt for me late at night?
Ever wonder what it would be like?

Do you ache for me, the way I ache for you?
Ever ache knowing Im not next to you?
Ever wonder what it would be like?

Ever wonder what today would be like if we were together?
Would we cry ourselves to sleep at night?
Would we have these empty pits and empty arms?
Ever wonder?

Do you even ever wonder?
mine, don't steal. please and thanks.