Sunny days are here again

Well, not fully on the inside. But out doors for sure. It's back to the orignal Florida weather, no rain, no clouds...lots of heat and sun. So, Im sitting here in my bathing suit...A triangle bikini top, bikini bottoms and shorts. yes, i swim in shorts, I have to. Iam so self concious.Deffinatly not as bad as I was before, but Im still there. I made a fool out of myself (again) on the phone monday. I have my period, Im cranky, its rainy-and Im talking to him and when i talk to him when all the elements are against me, im a loon. Truely the biggest crazy person you'll ever meet. Sure, I still have feelings for him, I still care about him, and would do ALMOST anything for him, but I act like I live for him. And thats not true.I truely have learned to live for myself, and to do things for myself. I enjoy my life now (not that I didnt before, but it wasnt for me...), Im learning to do more things on my own. Simple things, like play pool...I would never had played pool willingly before..or swim, I never wanted to be around him in a swim suit..I never thought I looked good enough, my self esteem was trash. But now, I dont know what happened. Now, I feel like I can do almost anything.Im enjoying life more, and though I get down I know it wont last. It's just negative energy.
I feel better today-now I just feel like a fool because of monday.I sat there crying on the phone-it always gets like that when I feel down. I just feel like no one cares and especially him; I feel like he doesnt give a sh*t about me. It's stupid, because I know he does. I know that if he didnt we wouldnt be talking;we wouldnt be friends. So, I can't wait until August. But, Iam nervous at the same time..what if I loose the confidence I've gained within the last four months, what if I revert into my shell once more around him?I dont want that to happen.