Iam so excited. I can not wait to leave here, atleast for a little bit. I need to sit back, relax, and just refocus myself. I need to figure out what Im doing, and why Im doing it before I completely loose my mind. Now, I know Ive somewhat gone crazy already, but before I fully loose all my senses, and sense of self, I need to reexamine what Iam doing. I can not wait.
I leave Tuesday morning and I dont even know if I can hold out that long. Believe me, I can wait to be in Maine with Andy....but I also cant wait to be around my mom and my dad....lol, just chilling in the APT. watching tv. NOT WORRYING ABOUT ANYTHING!!!!

Everything feels like its just at a standstill, that my life is not going anywhere, that the day is just creeping by. Which, would be a good thing-I mean for the latter that is. I havent really done anything today. I basically slept-Im trying to clean my room and finish packing because I dont have time to do it later. I leave Tuesday morning, really early. I work tonight and then Nikkis having a birthday party-which I dont know how long Ill stay there for. Im convinced that lately shes been using me for a ride and to buy her beer-so Imma chill on hanging out with her much. Last night she got pissed at me cause I didnt want to drive to another gas station to buy her a six pack after already stopping at two different places. Then, when I drop her off at her place-she usually says bye, or see ya...nothing...she just got out of the car and went inside. Ummm, ok? Then she calls me this am to tell me that Elizabeth hadnt gotten to her house to take her to the beach-but when Elizabeth texted her, she had to go. WHATEVER.
Anyways, I have to work tonight, I havent showered, I havent brought Jhn his stuff, I havent done anything.Tomorrow, I have to finish cleaning my car. I have to vaccum it out, and situate the trunk. Then Monday I have to buy midas' case, get his nails clipped,go to the bank, do laundry, hopefully lay out side for a good hour or so....I have to finish cleaning my room.
I can not wait for this trip.

As I sit here, with Midas on my lap, sipping coffee,, looking out into the pool-I just need to stop and breathe.For the last five months Ive been looking forward to the upcoming weeks. Thats all Ive been wanting, waiting for. To see all the people I fled from, to see the ex that I might still be in love with.That I thought I was in love with. The last few weeks have made me change so much, I feel like Ive done a 180 in terms of how I look at relationships, how I look at people, and how I look at life.Ive gone from a scared little girl; wanting only one thing, only feeling like she needed that one person to show her how life is supposed to be lived...to a young adult knowing that it cant always be perfect and if shit doesnt go your way, it doesnt go your way. I still am very insecure in myself, and I need validation from people....but now I dont dig for it...people just tell me nice things.
Its going to be so weird in this house with out John here. He truely was my rock-he was someone I could just hang out with, someone whom I care deeply for.I dont want to loose him-and I know we wont loose touch-I know if I truely needed something;he'd be there for me. And Iam for him.Im going to miss everything about him.
Its going to be even weirder waking up and having a complete stranger roaming around the house. Eating my food,drinking my drinks, using my shower! This is not something I envisioned when I decieded to come down here....this is not what I thought my life would be.It bothers me even more that noone understands where Im coming from, no one gets the whole situation. Even John was saying that maybe this guy will "win me over"...NO WAY. Especially not after John and I have bonded so well.
So, heres the deal-I work tonight, tomorrow night, saturday night, and sunday.Nikkis having a B-DAY party saturday night, were going to the beach saturday a.m. (we were supposed to go today, but Im just to sad...)I dont know what were doing sunday-I think Im going to pet smart with John-I gotta buy midas' kennel for the flight, and monday m going to the beach all day-and then I fly out Tuesday.I need to make $300 in these next couple of shifts...If not, I might have to ask John for a small loan.A couple hundred bucks...well see.
So, to ended this shitty entry on a good note, Ill make a short happy list:
Leaving in 5 days. midas playing with ginger, seeing krista at the airport:), seeing my siblings, nikkis party,monday=beach day, dunkin' donuts coffee..., seeing danielle and taking lots of goofy pictures like the old days,meeting stephen,seeing andy,ryan,stacy,robb,dave...

Im ready to give up on the opposite sex. Everything I do to attract them is passed by, I just dont get it.I hate men, boys guys,....Im sick of the ones Ive met-mainly because the ones I like dont give me the time of day.

Its so weird how one person can change your life. How one persons actions can fuck up your path-your way of life. It sucks.Why do I let other peoples problems destroy my moods, my love, my life? Why do I let everything effect me so greatly? It's because people put their problems in my laps. Thats whats been happening to me every since I moved to Florida-ever since I wanted to change my life for the better. Its been getting worse and worse.All the lies, all the deceptions...and now my one anchor in this world, this life is leaving. John is moving out tonight, and he'll be gone by next week. I can't believe it, Im going to miss him so much.
And now Micheal, my aunts new boyfriend that she met in rehab (YES REHAB) is moving in next week. I dont know this guy-I have never met him, I dont know him from one junkie to another, and hes moving into this house, into my "space". My whole world is going to be turned upside down. I dont know if this guy is going to come into my room late one night and rape me. I DONT KNOW!! Iam scared, scared for my life, my sanity...everything. Im scared. Ever since John told me Micheal was moving in, Ive been crying. Im scared, and sad and ugh.....I dont even know.
Im also really sad that Johns leaving-Im going to miss him. He and I have bonded so well, and were great friends. I can trust him with my life, and I needed that, and wanted that. Hes been amazing to me since Ive been here, and couldnt ask for anything more. He truely deserves the best, and I hope in his new life, his new travels, he finds what hes looking for.
Well, I also have some bad news. John gets the computer...so I wont be writting as often in this-But, I guess thats not really bad news. I leave for Mass next Tuesday-6 days from now-and Im very excited. My mom doesnt have a computer at the Apt. so I wont be able to write then, and then Im in Maine on the 8th to the 15th....
Iam so excited about Maine. I can not wait to go camping, to swim in a river, to see andy, to see ryan, and to just relax, and let the stress just melt away :)

So, its getting closer and closer for me to go back up North. I only have 4 more shifts at work (Ive had monday, today and will have tomorrow off{maybe, I want to try and pick it up}) I work, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Im hoping to make $300 this week alone. I need to, and I cant spend anymore money-Im screwed.Im getting nervous about that.
Nikki and I went out for Japanese last night-It was great. I bought her dinner for her Birthday since I wont be here. And then we got DD's coffee and I was a happy camper.Then John gave me an amazing foot massage, and cracked my back. I slept so well, that I didnt want to get up this AM.
I've actually gotta go get Nikki so we can chill at the beach for a couple of hours, before shes gotta go to work.
Ill write more in depth later :).

Starting Again

Alright, things have been so crazy for the last month or so. Im meeting people, well....I mean, the people I hang out with I work with, but were becoming closer. Nikki is still my bestfriend down here, shes so funny. And Ryan is great-weve been hanging out a bit, so its cool. His roommates sister is cool as well, And Nikkis cousin Justin is hysterical-I actually have a crush on him. Ive met a couple of other people, but this is the "crew" Im usually around.Justin and I had a talk last night about how he doesnt think I should go back up north-not this soon and not for this long...I dont know, it was a weird convo. Hes so cute though, lmao. Grrrr...I hate guys.
Money situation is still tight, Im being a little bit looser with the cash than I want to be-Ive got to stop that.I still dont have the money for Midas. Its 50 bucks each way,I gotta start saving. I have probably 7 more shifts at work before I fly out-so no more pool, and no more anything else. Just the beach-cause Ryan pays. LMAO.Im getting tan and I love it. I can't wait to show it off to people up north.
Theres so many things I cant wait to do! I cant wait to drink a DD'S coffee at 2 am, I cant wait to eat lobster-REAL MAINE LOBSTER...I cant wait for northern oysters, or brazillian food from Oasis, I cant wait to see Danielle, or jess,jay or yosef, I cant wait to see Cherin, Danny and the baby, I want Midas to play with ginger, thistle and jakob,I want to go camping, I want to see ryan, and andy, i can have sex-and not feel weird about it, I JUST CANT WAIT.Its really true-you dont know what you have until its gone.

More Poems

I havent written any 'original' works in a long time, so Ill try again :)

I feel that you and I should be together,
after all this;all that weve been through, all that weve shared and experienced, to let it all go to waste would be a shame. But to stay together would be an even greater shame. We both need to grow, to fly, to feel.
Maybe, just maybe, someday we'll be able to feel together.

Tell me something, anything. But make sure its what I want to hear. You dont have to tell me you love me or that well always be one. Just tell me Im yours and your mine and you'll never leave me. You dont have to tell me the truth, you cna lie-just make sure what ever you tell me is honest.

Looking in the mirror is the hardest thing for me to do. I dont see beauty where others would, I dont see a smile on the lips youve once kissed,I dont see color in the cheeks youve made turn red. Looking in the mirror I dont see life in the eyes you looked so deeply into.
Looking in the mirrow, I dont see me.

Its another rainy Florida day. Ive basically just been laying in bed watching tv all day. I woke up late, I was supposed to go to the beach and go see manatees with Steph today. But havent been feeling well for the last couple of days, so I told her tomorrow. My face is peeling from the burn-so I look kinda weird right now. I got drunk last night. I had one beer and a couple glasses of wine. Ryan, Steph, Nikki,Justin and I hung out over at Nikki and Justins place. I drank both red and white wine.I was so loud, and crazy-I cant believe I was that bad. Sandi and John fought again last night-Im glad I wasnt here, although I did hear him yelling this AM, it was odd.
I can not wait to get up north, its gonna be so much fun!I hope the rest of the week is sunny-I need to finish tanning :) And I need to make money-I have 2 bucks right now.
Happy List-
Coffee,my dog,emails, myspace, my car,money, seeing my siblings, going camping,being in Boston,lobster,beaches, pictures,wine,sun, seeing Danielle,being able to sleep at night,friends

Iam so confused! Danielle, every time I try to go to your blog-it wont let me. Is it me, or something else-please let me know.
So, the burn is getting a little bit better. Still hurt to touch, or to wear a bra-but other than that I slept real well last night. Could also have something to do with the fact I did have a drink last night. I really havent had a drink since last monday-and it was a crazy ass weekend so I thought I deserved one.So I ended up going to the pool hall, because I know people there and wouldnt have felt as awkward as I would have somewhere else. So, I pull into the parking lot, and NO ONE is there...cool, Ill have a drink and go home. WELL, turns out HE was the bartender. WTF?!?!Ok, Im not going to look like the lame ass and walk out, right? SInce no one is there that'd be kinda obvious. So, I walk up to the bar-and theres this chick sitting there, He kinda says hi-"hey, hows it going (no eye contact) what can I getcha?" I order an amber boch-Im craving one so badly-dont know why. Whatever. So, he pours it and goes back to talking to the other chick. I watch the NYM and Cubs game and sip my beer. Well, i can hear them talking about sex and shit. weird, weird weird. Anyways...when she walks away from the bar-he kinda talks to me, Im trying not to look at him or anything-make casual small talk when he says something to me, but DAMN boy is FINE. now, he really is hot. Anyways, the chick leaves, and he starts to teach me how to play poker, thats cool. It was fun-now I have some idea on how to play and bet tonight.(Ryan, Justin, and myself are going to a co-workers tonight for a poker game) Anyways,I order another beer, and were chatting about tattoos and shit. I dont know, it was weird seeing him there, but cool at the same time. Is that weird?I happen to mention something...."what are you doing later?"...all he can ask is why. I dont know-just wondering, but Im trying to hint at something...obviously that didnt happen.
Oh, and so Im sitting there, and he puts on Miami Ink-Iam obssessed with Miami Ink. So, ofcourse I have to watch it, so I have one more beer and watch Ami get a traditional Hawaiian Tattoo.That was cool, but looked very painful. It was ironic cause about 20 minutes earlier, we were talking about that kind of tattooing.I dont know. Hes hot,-I made eye contact about three times, but it was awkward.I dont know.I sat there for about 2 hours. But its not like Im stalking him-cause I was hoping he wasnt the bartender.
Money situation isnt going so well. It was so slow at work last night, I made about 25 bucks. It sucked.So, I need to step the game up this week. Im off today and tomorrow, and work the rest of the week. I close I think 3 or 4 days, so I should be ok.
Peace

Ugh.
I got so burnt from the beach the other day. I couldnt sleep the last two nights, I was awake every 20 minutes because I was in pain!! It sucked. ryan got burnt badly as well, his face is bright red and bubbly. I didnt make quite what I wanted to the last two nights at work-but pretty close. Ive given John $240 bucks so I could send my car stuff out-now I NEED $100 dollars so I can get Midas on the plane...$50 each way. THEN I need spending money-oh, and I have to buy a soft cage for midas for the flight as well..so, atleast $400 more in....11 days. I guess its not too bad-its only $36 in 11 days. Not too bad. SO, my goal is atleast $50 a day...thats 550 bucks.Sweet.
It's kinda weird to see John moving all his stuff outta the house. It makes me sad. Real Sad. Im hoping hell be here when I get back from up North, but I dont see it happening. Also, Ryan will probably be gone as well, so Im real sad. All the people I care about are leaving me! It always happens.

Peace

So, today is Friday.Its been a couple of days since Ive written last. I feel like so much stuff happens in my life in a day. Its crazy. Im crazy. Im convinced of it now. Im absolutetly nuts. Not that I try to be-because believe me;I dont. It just happens.
So, since that party on tuesday,Ive been trying not to spend much money,unfortunatly though-not going too well. Iam saving money-but not enough. I picked up a shirt tonight so hopefully Ill make it up. I need to make 100 or more tonight, that way I can send my car payments out. THEN tomorrow and Sunday I need to make 100 or more each day...All in all I need to make 830 bucks before I leave for Mass.
Tuesday Night I ended up coming home instead of going to Nikkis house. Good call. That chick steph and ryan were there again-so you know it would have been craziness-yet again. Then,Weds. I was gonna stay home all night and just chill but Nikki called me to go play pool. So, I get there and shes not there yet-and the bartender (whom I thought was cute and tried to get his number the week before)calls over to me, and is like "so, you dont know how to use a phone"? anyways, long story short-I end up giving him my #.
He's cute. We'll just have to see what happens there though-cause I dont think anything will.
I also kinda told Andy I want to move to WA, and he said it was cause I was still "hooked" on him.No, Im not hooked on him. Its more of a comfort zone-which I guess is a bad thing as well. Ya know? Cause Dans out there, Ryans out there, Chris, and I dont know....I think itd be nice to be around people who somewhat think like I do and like to do the same things as I do. I dont know-Im so lost in myself and it sucks!
Well, Ryan, Nikki and I are going to the beach today-so Im gonna go clean my car and shower. Peace.

Iam in so much pain. Physical pain,emotional pain...just pain. Ok, so yesterday started out with me calling Nikki to see if she wanted to come over and swim.John and Sandi are both at work-not that John would have minded anyways-hes cool like that. Ryan and I (Ryan is a new guy at work-he moved here from Vegas...how cool and dumb is that?who moves to Titusville Florida from Vegas...anyways) had made plans the night before for me to pick him up and hed come over as well....so, I go get Nikki, and we drive all the way across town to go get Ryan.We get to Ryans house and Ryan asks if his roommates sister can come over.Sure, why not..the more the merrier, right? So, we get to my house after running so many errands...and were out by the pool-and we call this kid Brian that we work with-so he comes over with his g/f. And then Nikkis cousin-Justin comes over. And, I kinda have a crush on Justin. Like, hes just a really chill kid, hes cute, and funny...yeah, and my age. which is great. I like that. so, John comes home-after weve been wrestling in the pool, people are doing body shots off of Ryans roommates sister...her names Steph...It was crazy. my uncles just laughing at us.Just cracking up, and Jims there too..Too funny.
So, anyways, we take this party over to Justin and Nikkis place and all hell breaks loose.After Megan and Brian leave-its me, Nikki, ryan, justin and steph. So, Justin and Steph start making out, ryan and nikki are in deep conversations, and I just feel so left out. And the some how ryan deciedes hes gonna body slam me. Like 20 times, he killed my back.He was so drunk.So drunk. So, I have to be responsible and get Ryan and Steph home, but Im already in the "woe-is-me" mode, and I HATE WHEN I GET LIKE THAT. Its dumb, and I know that. Pointless, no one gives a shit-but why do I get that way.
I dont know-Im gonna have to work on it. I think the biggest thing was that Ive been trying to hit on Justin for the last 2 months-and he meets this girl and BAM...I dont know. It makes me feel less than good. Like shit really-ya know? If you asked any guy Ive ever hung out with theyd probably all say that Im "cool,funny, and great to hang around with"...ya know...like a really good friend. Andy would even say that.And I was engaged to him, lmao.Im sick of being the sidekick. Im always the sidekick.
So, Ryan by the end of the night is trashed. I drive him and steph home-hes all rowdy.like crazy rowdy. it was funny.hes such a cool guy-he really is.....
but today im in so much pain-its crazy.my lower back is hurting so badly.
when i get to be with someone again-i think a guy like ryan would be perfect. hes too funny, ans sweet,....yeah...

kinda long

So,Over the last 5 months (a little bit less than that-I got here at the end of February) my life has been a frickin' roller coaster ride. Not that it wasnt before,but it really is now. I moved down here thinking it was the best move for me. I figured Id have a stable life with lots of fun-Id be able to save money and move out into my own place. Id have a gang of friends who cared for me and who I could hang out wit, and Id be more secure in who Iam and what I was put here to do. But its the total opposite. I have a handful of friends, ok...not even that many.It's more like 2 or 3. I mean, I know people, but people I would actually go out of my way to help cause theyre cool. And I miss that.I miss people who would drop almost anything for me and help me-and visa versa. Anyways, Im living in a situation which sucks. My aunt is an alcholic-and Ive had problems with alcohol as well, so me being around it just reminds me of all the shit Ive put people I love through in the past. Especially the way she acts around my uncle-it reminds me how I treated Andy in the past.All she does is drink day at night, she and I used to be so close but we dont talk at all anymore. She hates me cause I talk to my uncle and she thinks Ive taken sides. But thats what happens when someone tries to push you down a flight of stairs or pees in her pants cause shes so drunk, or gets into a car accident and then passes out in the driveway.
Im horrible at saving money, so I have practically no savings, I cant pay my bills-thankfully I dont have many.But, Iam 24 and I should be more responsible for myself. My other aunt that lives in Tampa called and lectured me yesterday-I had a nervous breakdown. I hung up on her-she wasnt to happy about that one. Oh well, it made me feel better. I know Im fuckin' my life up-I know Im at a standstill, You dont have to throw it back into my face and lecture me and yell at me, and tell me your washing your hands of me."Youve had all the chances your gonna get Rachel. Youve had many more chances than your brothers and sister"...OMG, YES, I KNOW THIS. Do you not hear me sobbing and crying begging you NOT TO DO THIS. Not right now, not after the week Ive already had!!!! Yes, by some 'standards' Iam lucky. I have a roof over my head (a nice one at that),food in my stomach, and a bed to sleep on (as uncomfortable as it is..its still there). I do live a life of "luxary"...but its not my life-I dont ahve a great job to pay for it, and I dont have a good enough job to contribuate money into the household. Therefor Iam lucky to be living here. But the situation Iam in just sucks, and the fact that I dont pay money really bothers me. I know I do my share-believe me,...I do, but I still feel badly.Im also worried (to the point of making myself sick) that this is all going to be gone once I come back from the North. Sandi (my aunt I live with) is already close to being fired, with John (the uncle Ilive with) going to Knonxville, Tn.. within a month-shes gonna fall apart even more than she already has. she was gone for 2 weeks, missed 3 days of work (after missing all the days prior to that...her being hospitalized 2ce-and her just not going in a bunch of times)...Im scared. I dont have the money to go anywhere. I do have to say though, Nikki and Justin both have offered me space at the place they are at. I love Nikki, I really do-she is amazing. I dont know what I would do with out her down here.

I just want to be up north-safe, sound and around things Im familiar with, and situations I can control. I dislike things that are not under my control!!!! Grrrr. Thats it for now. i just want dd's,flowers,playing with the puppies,lobster,northern beaches, photbooths and goofy friends,lives bands, lowell,boston,the t, legal seafoods,cherry wheat beer,camping,my family, friends!!!

I dont know what to write

Danielle says I have to write in this thing more often so here it is. Life has been absoluetly crazy for the last two days. I cant even think straight anymore. Im broke, Im sad and Im lonely. Im not sure if Im able to even fly up North when I had planned on doing so. Thats a long story that will write about later-now Im running late for work. I have to shower still.

does that work?

rachel reed -- [noun]: A master blogger 'How" will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Happy July all

Alright, so yesterday was completely an intense day for me at work. I live in Titusville, Fl. The resturaunt I work at is directly across the river from Kennedy Space Center. Theres a launch this weekend-it was supposed to go yesterday (@ 3:38 pm-with a five minute window) But at 3 minutes-it was scrubbed. So, mind you- we dont usually open until 4, we opened at 1...every talbe in the place was flat sat...I worked my ass off all night. I made relatively good money...but Iam so tired--so tired that I started dreaming about work and some crazy messed up shit.

Anyways,since they scubbed it yesterday-I have to do it all again today. But Iam so glad that I have the next two days off. Its great. Im just gonna swim, and eat and sleep.. I can not wait until I go up north. really itll be great-so stress free and fun. I need that-fun.I get to see my siblings, and Danielle!! Yes, I miss them all.