kinda long

So,Over the last 5 months (a little bit less than that-I got here at the end of February) my life has been a frickin' roller coaster ride. Not that it wasnt before,but it really is now. I moved down here thinking it was the best move for me. I figured Id have a stable life with lots of fun-Id be able to save money and move out into my own place. Id have a gang of friends who cared for me and who I could hang out wit, and Id be more secure in who Iam and what I was put here to do. But its the total opposite. I have a handful of friends, ok...not even that many.It's more like 2 or 3. I mean, I know people, but people I would actually go out of my way to help cause theyre cool. And I miss that.I miss people who would drop almost anything for me and help me-and visa versa. Anyways, Im living in a situation which sucks. My aunt is an alcholic-and Ive had problems with alcohol as well, so me being around it just reminds me of all the shit Ive put people I love through in the past. Especially the way she acts around my uncle-it reminds me how I treated Andy in the past.All she does is drink day at night, she and I used to be so close but we dont talk at all anymore. She hates me cause I talk to my uncle and she thinks Ive taken sides. But thats what happens when someone tries to push you down a flight of stairs or pees in her pants cause shes so drunk, or gets into a car accident and then passes out in the driveway.
Im horrible at saving money, so I have practically no savings, I cant pay my bills-thankfully I dont have many.But, Iam 24 and I should be more responsible for myself. My other aunt that lives in Tampa called and lectured me yesterday-I had a nervous breakdown. I hung up on her-she wasnt to happy about that one. Oh well, it made me feel better. I know Im fuckin' my life up-I know Im at a standstill, You dont have to throw it back into my face and lecture me and yell at me, and tell me your washing your hands of me."Youve had all the chances your gonna get Rachel. Youve had many more chances than your brothers and sister"...OMG, YES, I KNOW THIS. Do you not hear me sobbing and crying begging you NOT TO DO THIS. Not right now, not after the week Ive already had!!!! Yes, by some 'standards' Iam lucky. I have a roof over my head (a nice one at that),food in my stomach, and a bed to sleep on (as uncomfortable as it is..its still there). I do live a life of "luxary"...but its not my life-I dont ahve a great job to pay for it, and I dont have a good enough job to contribuate money into the household. Therefor Iam lucky to be living here. But the situation Iam in just sucks, and the fact that I dont pay money really bothers me. I know I do my share-believe me,...I do, but I still feel badly.Im also worried (to the point of making myself sick) that this is all going to be gone once I come back from the North. Sandi (my aunt I live with) is already close to being fired, with John (the uncle Ilive with) going to Knonxville, Tn.. within a month-shes gonna fall apart even more than she already has. she was gone for 2 weeks, missed 3 days of work (after missing all the days prior to that...her being hospitalized 2ce-and her just not going in a bunch of times)...Im scared. I dont have the money to go anywhere. I do have to say though, Nikki and Justin both have offered me space at the place they are at. I love Nikki, I really do-she is amazing. I dont know what I would do with out her down here.

I just want to be up north-safe, sound and around things Im familiar with, and situations I can control. I dislike things that are not under my control!!!! Grrrr. Thats it for now. i just want dd's,flowers,playing with the puppies,lobster,northern beaches, photbooths and goofy friends,lives bands, lowell,boston,the t, legal seafoods,cherry wheat beer,camping,my family, friends!!!