And the tears just fall

Ugh what a day, what a day. And its only 2:14 pm..Only 8 more hours of this sh*tty day left. WTF-Its beautiful out. Absolutely gorgeous, the kinda day where I should be floating on my raft sunning myself, and Midas for that matter.But, I can't bring myself to go back out there. Im just at a loss today. I slept well, and I mean WELL. I used this areomatherapy stuff, and it worked. I dont feel like I slept, but IM not tired either. CORRECTION:I wasnt tired. Now, Iam emotionaly drained. I can't do this anymore. I dont like it. I hate this feeling. I was doing so well, living for me and then like everything else in my life-BAM. I think for him. I work for him, I cry for HIM. Why?!?! WHY do I do this to myself all the time.Why cant my confidence level stay up there? Why cant I continue to do the things Ive been doing for MYSELF-why do I need his approval?! I dont. I know I dont, but I feel like if I dont get his approval, all the things Ive been doing wont matter. That Im not good enough a person, that all my accomplishments (and believe me, I have made many since being down here) arent great enough. That the baby steps Ive been taking are just that-baby steps, and not big enough..not momentous enough to matter to him. That everything should be done his way-that his life is much more important than mine. And since were so far away, mine is minimal. I know this isn't true, and that my thinking is F'd up-but I feel like every time we talk-his life is so much better than mine. And, right now, it is. But, I dont know. I feel like right now, no one is in my corner-not even him. And Im so used to him being there for me no matter what. And thats whats f'd me up-in the past I could get away with anything, and now when Im doing things for myself, and for others, and having fun-Im not being praised;so I think that if I revert into my old ways-everythings gonna be ok. And Im seeing that its not, and Im hating myself for reverting, because I dont want to be the old me. The old me was self-fish and spoiled and everything in between. He treated me so well, he really did. Im sure any other guy would have killed me or dumped me. And I treated him like sh*t-wow.And when I revert into my old self-I treat him poorly yet again. All I want is to be friends with him-but I want to feel some love in return. I feel like the only one maintaining this friendship-but I dont give him enough credit;atleast he wants to be friends with me. After our history, I wouldnt want to be friends with me. I know he has a life that doesnt revolve around me-I understand it;I just dont like it. But, I'll learn to live with it-because it means I still have him as a friend. And thats better than nothing. And since I talked to him this afternoon (AM his time), the tears just wont stop falling. But now, after writting this,I understand that these tears arent all sad ones. I know that I have a great friend in him-and if I were in need of a true friend, he would be there. He proved that today, talking to me after the short second call...He knows how to put me in my place in a gentle way-in a way thats easy for my mind to understand.We dont always agree or understand the others veiw-but we comprimise. Thank You.