Pictures.

This is Nella (Kyles younger sister),Heather(Jerrys' fiance), Holly (Mikes girlfriend) and I at the pub.


so, i dont want to go into it all again (ive told this christmas story so many times now i could scream.) lets just say it sucked, sandi was drunk we saw two accidents and ugh. blah...



So, this is Kyle. Thats a horrible picture of me, but whatever. I took this picture outside of the pub. I practically live there now. Kyle worked last night, but I went up to visit holly and nella who were bartending. it was a blast. i laugh so hard when im around these people-i love it.

I feel so welcome into this family. its unlike anything ive ever felt before. I spent Christmas Eve at his house for crying out loud, and his mother invited me.

Continued

So,That statement that Heather said made me so happy. Im just happy to be wanted again-its a great feeling to have people around you that care about you. Then, I went home and passed out. I was so tired,full and tipsy :)

Then, I had to work christmas eve, which wasnt too bad, but was busier than I thought it would be. I got a 30 buck tip off of an 111 dollar tab, on a party of 11 the added gratuity was 27 bucks (they didnt leave me any extra-which kinda sucked...) I ended up making about 80 bucks in 4 hours, not too shabby. Then Kyle picked me up and I went to his house for Christmas Eve-yes HIS house. I was already invited to a family holiday-weird? Kinda, nice? Yes...VERY nice. I had given Holly,Heather and Nella theyre presents on Friday-at the pubs Christmas Party, I got the gift certificated to get pedicures (and in return, theyre taking me for a pedi and manicure...)Heather gave me a candle and a wind chime (just like she got Holly and Nella as well...[I feel so welcome here, its great]) And Kyles mom actually got me something as well, which was very cool. I didnt get Kyle anything (he guessed both gift ideas-wtf?) yet, so sometime within the next week, Ill have to get with Jerry or Heather for ideas.Kyle bought me a necklace...its jade and diamond.He went all out. (did I mention that after out 3rd date-he sent me a dozen long stemmed red roses?!?!)yea, ive been swept off my feet. So,after opening presents we played the game of life-pirates version. I ended up stealing the black pearl and gaining Jack Black as my captian (I started as Will Turner with a shitty boat), I ended up loosing still, but thats ok with me. Then we went to bed. I stayed over Kyles house...His parents are pretty cool :)

So, after waking up at 7am and going to the new Dunkin Donuts in town (yes, we now have DUNKS here!!!) Kyle dropped me off at home. Sandi opens the door and starts yelling at me (its a little past 8.....), so I know its going to be a horrible day 'cause I can tell shes already started drinking.
Continued later

Iam so horrible about writting in this thing. sometimes I cant stop writting in it, and others I have no idea what to write so I go days without doing so.
This past weekend was a mix of good and horrible.
Saturday night,Kyle had to work but it was kereoke finals at the pub and I really wanted to go-so Holly said she could drive me home (Holly is Mikes Girlfriend,Mike is Kyles brother..)Ian also said he could give me a ride home-so I had someone drop me off at the pub after work. It was so much fun. Jerry (Kyles brother) sang first,he sang Bohemian Rhapsody. It was great-that guy is so comical. He cracks me up just looking at him. I also met Kyles mother for the first time-and he wasnt there.(Can we say odd...? and scary, and intimidating.) But, Nella and Heather were there (Nella is Kyles sister, and Heather is Jerrys Fiance) and that made it so much easier. So, after all the people sang, and I drank all I could drink....a bunch of us went to IHOP for breakfast (at like 2:30 am) I ate so much and laughed so hard. And then it was great, cause Heather and I went outside and we were talking, and she goes "I hope Kyle loves you as much as Nella and I do."
WHAT? That was great....

To be continued

Happy List

Here are some things that Iam happy for right now:

Warm weather-anyone who knows me knows I HATE snow. I hate it. I hate being cold, I hate driving in the shit, I just Hate it.

My dog- I love midas, 'nough said.

Work-I hate my job most of the time, and I make shit-but Im still working, so thats a plus :)

Friends, I love my friends, they mean the world to me!

Chocolate-yeah. its good and makes me happy.

Boddingtons on tap and the pub in general-I love the people there, and any place that has boddingtons on tap is great :)

The holiday season-people are usually nicer :) and better tippers.

The Christmas party last night-it was great and fun-and the people were just amazing!

My new found love and ability to cook-I make some mean stuffed shells, and they were a huge hit last night :)

Kyle-This man is freaking amazing. I love the feeling I get when Im with him. I just love being around him and just joking and laughing. Its awesome!!

I need to take pictures of my tattoos. I really like the new one, and I dont think he charged me too much for it. I love tattoos.

Im just trying to work and make money right now. I cant believe I havent even Started christmas shopping yet. grrr, i have so many people to buy for, I hate it.

I got my tattoo! Iam so excited! Its a shamrock and its awesome, Ill post pictures when I get them.
Kyle and I are doing well. Im really happy, and really excited about it.

Isnt this picture of Midas amazing? I love my dog so much. Hes great.
So, this is my new hair cut. How great/funny is it? Kyle has been amazing, I love spending time with him. He just makes me so happy and understands me. Wow, I like this feeling alot.Im so giddy, its crazy. Now the dillema is trying to find him a christmas present.
Im spending Christmas with Nikki, I think. That should be fun-her sisters will be here and there will be lots of great food. Im excited :)

Lips Of An Angel
Hinder
Honey why you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why you calling me so late

im absolutely obssessed with that song right now. i love it!

anyways, everything is ok here for now. I started paying sandi rent today. kyle sent me a dozen red roses yesterday at work. how crazy is that?hes really sweet, and im happy:)

I was supposed to go get Tattooed with Nikki today- we were gonna get shamrocks. Im pretty excited about it, but I dont think its going to happen. Which is probably a good thing, Im so broke-I should be saving money.Maybe next week. I think Kyle and I are hanging out tonight. Im not sure what were doing, or for how long-considering I have to work tonight. We'll see though.

hmmm,what to write, what to say? ever get to a point in your life that just stops? it doesnt go anywhere else, theres no room to move forward, and yet you want to and need to so desprately? That if you dont move forward, if you dont proceed-you fail? But as hard as you try and want, you cant?
im there. Ive been here for awhile, and although I want to things keep happening that keep me in this one spot. Why am I in this one spot? What here is so important, what am I missing? Its like when you die, if something is left undone, you can't cross over. And thats how I feel- I feel like I cant move to the next position in my life because something here and now is undone. Unsaid. Either one, and I cant do anything about it. It all slips through my fingers, one measly grain of sand at a time, and I cant do anything about it. I dont know how.
Why do I think things through this much? Why do I believe that everything happens for a reason, and everything is pre-destioned for me? Why? Why cant I just live a day and not over analyze every moment of every second, every word spoken repeats in my head over and over.

Yesterday was a good day. I woke up later than I wanted to, but it all worked out ok. I tend to sleep in when Micheal/Sandi are home. Its a) because Micheal doesnt wake me up at 4:30 in the a.m. when he wakes up. and b) I dont want to see them.Weekends are the hardest. Ok, so other than sleeping in, the day went well. Nikki and I met over at the bowling alley and played a game of pool and ate onion rings, they were good. Then we took the bus to the movie theater and saw Stranger Than Fiction, it was good. It dragged on in some places but otherwise it was ok. Will Ferrell is just hysterical, and Dustin Hoffman was in it,. Good actors. Then we went to walmart and the met up with Eric, (her boyfriend) and my blind date (yes, you read that correctly-blind date)Kyle, at the roadhouse. We had dinner, it was good. I was so nervous! Ugh,whatever. Anyways, after dinner Kyle and I ended up going to the Shamrock and Thistle for a few beers. I ended up meeting half of his family-talk about nerve racking! It was good, I had a boddingtons and a smithwicks. YUMMY. We sat and just talked, it was nice. Very sweet. Well, that was my night.

I guess I should write something in this thing.
so, thanksgiving went well. my mom,dad, steph,ruth, lewis and micheals grandmother came over. the turkey was good. nothing unusual which i was worried about. i like thanksgiving to be traditional (although I love deep fried turkey..YUMMY)...my favorite part was the turkey sandwich I had before bed. Yum Yum.
Andy and I had a talk, and its still hard for me to process, but hes right. We talk to much. He thinks Im "trying to hold onto something that isnt there anymore", when in reality I just want his friendship. So,I wont call. Not like I used to.
Im just missing people I can be myself around, people that I can love and cherish. its hard. I just want a life.

You know that old saying, "when it rains;it pours" ? Well, its true. I know this from personal experiences-not only do I not make enough money at the place I work, not only is my residence a hell hole-(no,really. Im convinced that this house I live in is built over the REAL Hellmouth. And the people I live with are "The One" and "The Master") And not only do I not have a car (or see one in the future...{I do have a car, but its not insured or registered}), I also am getting sick every week. Last week I went to the ER to get antibiotics for an infection. Grrr, that sucked. The meds were 130 dollars. Yes, thats right folks, 130! Geeze, what the hell. AND now, TODAY I wake up with hives all over my body.
Cant I ever just win? Why must you toture me so? I feel so shitty today. Dizzy and itchy, and I HAVE TO WORK. Why couldnt I have broken out sunday or monday?! I had those days off and didnt do much.

I just want my car back.

Its been such a long time since Ive written here. Theres just so much on my mind, that I can't even focus the thoughts right now. I want to go back up north,but I hate snow.I cant get my car on the road cause it costs too much, and I cant get another job around here,cause the bus system here sucks. (Although, now that I know that there is one-I might just have to start searching down town for a job....)I hate the people I live with-I want to move out, but again, I have no money.
I really do want to go back up north though. Everytime I think of the lack of money I have here, I know I could make it there. I know theres ways to get around up there, I know that theres people that care about me up there. I just hate it, and thats another reason I dont write in here that often-It makes me think of all the things I dont want to think about. ANd it makes me sad.

Sometimes I just feel like no one is on my side. that Im doing this all my own. I get sick when I get this way, depressed. dont feel like writting, cause I want to keep everything inside-so I dont make myself sick.

I cant wait to get back up north. i truely am torn, knowing that theres snow up there, but theres also friends and peace. a peace i havent known i some time now. i wish i had never left.

&Please, dont take the girl

another song thats been hitting me pretty hard lately, Im not sure why.

Don't Take The Girl
(Craig Martin/Larry W. Johnson)
Johnny's daddy was taking him fishin'
When he was eight years old
A little girl came through the front gate holdin' a fishing pole
His dad looked down and smiled, said we can't leave her behind
Son I know you don't want her to go but someday you'll change your mind
And Johnny said "Take Jimmy Johnson, take Tommy Thompson, take my best friend Bo
Take anybody that you want as long as she don't go
Take any boy in the world
Daddy please don't take the girl
Same old boy
Same sweet girl
Ten years down the road
He held her tight and kissed her lips
In front of the picture show
Stranger came and pulled a gun
Grabbed her by the arm said "If you do what I tell you to, there won't be any harm"
And Johnny said "Take my money, take my wallet, take my credit cards
Here's the watch that my grandpa gave me
Here's the key to my car
Mister give it a whirl
But please don't take the girl
Same old boy
Same sweet girl
Five years down the road
There's going to be a little one and she says it's time to go
Doctor says the baby's fine but you'll have to leave
'Cause his momma's fading fast and Johnny hit his knees and there he prayed
Take the very breath you gave me
Take the heart from my chest
I'll gladly take her place if you'll let me
Make this my last request
Take me out of this world
God, please don't take the girl
Johnny's daddy
Was taking him fishin'
When he was eight years old

you know what i realized last night, in all the years Ive known Andy and weve dated-not once have we ever spent my birthday together. not once.

&midas.

Midas freak out.
so, today as im trying to find a ride to work, and talking to andy on the phone, midas is trying to get fisher to play with him-and ends up getting bit. he was yelping and crying as im trying to see how badly hes hurt, well, turns out one of the two dogs took a chunk out of midas' leg. im crying, hes bleeding-andys trying to calm me down. but nothing worked. i called the emergency vet and it would have been 85 bucks just for the visit,what the fuck. and they dont do payment plans, so here iam crying almost making myself sick and ugh. i called out of work, no way im leaving my baby like that! I love my dog.

I wish it were July

I really hate where I live. It just makes me feel like the third wheel all the time. Today, Micheal made breakfast-but he only made enough for him and Sandi. Theres no eggs left so I can make my own breakfast, theres no cream left for my coffee. Theres nothing.
Im jealous of Andy. He did shrooms last night. I wish I were with him, it would have been fun. I miss having fun.Its the whole being wanted thing, again. I dont feel like Iam here. and I hate it. I hate saying "I hate, I want, I need"...Im so sick of feeling selfish. I dont hva eit that bad, its just not what I wanted, or expected at all.

me and midas.