I wish it were July

I really hate where I live. It just makes me feel like the third wheel all the time. Today, Micheal made breakfast-but he only made enough for him and Sandi. Theres no eggs left so I can make my own breakfast, theres no cream left for my coffee. Theres nothing.
Im jealous of Andy. He did shrooms last night. I wish I were with him, it would have been fun. I miss having fun.Its the whole being wanted thing, again. I dont feel like Iam here. and I hate it. I hate saying "I hate, I want, I need"...Im so sick of feeling selfish. I dont hva eit that bad, its just not what I wanted, or expected at all.

me and midas.

&love.

Lyrics for "Starting Again"

Painting lines and taking down numbers.
Fall into a drink at the table in the corner.
Making eyes with another perfect stranger
When in steps my mind,
“Danger Danger. Danger Danger.”
Worried about starting again.
Stepping out of a long and rainy, lazy morning.
Fall into a deeper understanding of the story.
And these new eyes can only lead me to wonder
About the place that I am leaving
About the spell that I was under
Talking about starting again.
I could lay it all down, pick you up in a blaze of light.
Rolling over mountains, we could roll around all night
And everything would be alright
Once we get in the car and dive.
Starting again.
Here among this wooden life and the stacks of unending paper,
People are starting to scare me and my insides are feeling safer
Than the outside world and the people I no longer comprehend.
I’ve been thinking about starting over
I’ve been thinking about starting again.
Starting again.
It’s another adventure for the massive understanding
,Only time to think about the towns that we are passing.
We could read the signs and feel the blood in our bones,
And anywhere our hearts are beating we could call our home,
And we could start again.
We could start again.
We could throw it all away and laugh into the light of a new dawn.
Laughing at anything, we could grow new eyes and sing new songs.
And we don’t ever have to keep it on the inside,
Once we get in the car and drive.
Starting again.

Please come to Boston

I was watching some of Kenny Chesney on CMT last night, and he started to sing this song-
and well, I started to cry.

Please Come To Boston
Please come to Boston

For the spring time

I'm stayin' here with some friends

And they've got lots of room

You can sell your paintings On the sidewalk

By a cafe Where I hope to be workin' soon

Please come to Boston

She said, "No.You come home to me."
And she said,

"Hey, ramblin' boy,Why don't you settle down?

Boston ain't your kind of town.

There ain't no gold and

There ain't nobody like me.

I'm the number one fan

Of the man from Tennessee."
Please come to Denver With the snow fal

lWe'll move up Into the mountains so far

That we can't be found

And throw "I love you" Echoes down the canyon

And then lie awake at night Until they come back around

Please come to Denver

She said, "No.Boy, would you come home to me?"
And she said, "Hey, ramblin' boy,Why don't you settle down?

Denver ain't your kind of town

There ain't no gold and

There ain't nobody like me

I'm the number one fan

Of the man from Tennessee."
Now, this drifter's world Goes 'round and 'round

And I doubt It's ever gonna stop,But of all the dreams I've lost or found

And all that I ain't got

I still need to lean to

Somebody I can sing to
Please come to L. A. And live forever

California life just too hard to break

I live in a house That looks out over the ocean

And there's some stars That fell from the sky

Livin' up on the hill

Please come to L. A.

She just said, "No.Boy, won't you come home to me?"
And she said, "Hey, ramblin' boy,Why don't you settle down?

L. A. can't be your kind of town

There ain't no gold and

There ain't nobody like me

No, no, I'm the number one fan

Of the man from Tennessee

I'm the number one fan

Of the man from Tennessee."

Won't you come home to me?

I think I cried cause Im sick of all the stuff here, and I miss Boston. I truely do. I miss all the people and the sights, and the money. I miss it all.

My life list :)

1.To learn the lesson between love and depndency.

2.To be happy in my own skin.

3.To forgive myself and others for past wrongs.

4. To travel to (not just through) all 50 states

(only 27 more to go!)

5.Travel to Europe.

6.Quit smoking cigs-even when drinking alcohol and coffee.

7.Finish all my tattoos

(atleast 6 more)

8.Find a job/career where Iam happy.

9.Own something I can be proud of.

10. Refine my eating habits.

11.Stop driking 10 cups of coffee per day.

12.Do some extreme sport that scares the crap out of me.-

i.e-bungee humping,sky diving.

13.Live in a hut on a tropical island.

14.Be closer to the people who truely matter.

15.Find my center

16.Publish my writtings

17.Buy and grow more organic foods.

18.Have enough land to do so.

19.realize my goals.

20.See a phsycic on a regular basis.

21.Learn how to play guitar.

22.Become a mama.

23.Realize my true political veiws.

24.Learn more about history and the government.

25. Go back to school.

26.Fill every blank page of my books with words.

27. Forgive myself.

and last but not least....

28. Make my "life list" shorter each day ;)

Sometimes you just have to hit rock bottom to improve yourself and your life. You think that once you hit bottom you'll be able to go back up-you'll be able to climb out og that rut.

I want to climb out of that rut. I feel like I'm having someone dump sand on me.

And with each shovel full of sand that falls on top of me-I loose more and more of myself. And I'm drowning in sorrows and choking on regrets,breathing in tiny grains of sand that feel like boulders on my chest;crushing me.

I wonder everyday if he hurts. If he feels bad for what he did, for what he didnt do and for what he never got to do. I think he should. He left so much undone and unsaid, he should hurt. I wonder if hes happy, at peace with us, and himself. He should be. It took him so long to get to that point, he should be happy. I wonder everyday why I hurt. Why feel guilty, responsible for what happened.

Its another beautiful day that i wont be taking advantage of.theres nothing to do here without a car, theres no fun, no light. i hate it. i hate being stuck within myself, i cant hang out when i want, i cant leave when i want. i hate this shit.

ruth called me today, telling me all these places i need to apply at. i havent really told anyone here that im leaving yet,well just have to see how it goes.

I just want to be around good people today. Its the kinda day down here, where you grab a car load of friends and go to the beach-all day.
I want that again.

Beach

Ive been craving some beach time, and last night i finally got it. Dave, Nikki and I drove to Cocoa Beach at about 6:30pm after drinking DD coffee, and just roamed around. I walked bare foot in the surf, and other than my pants getting a little wet-it was great. It was exactly where I needed to be at exactly the moment I needed to be there. Just spinning in circles and feeling the breeze and listening to the surf. It couldnt have been more perfect. Really. It was beautiful.
We then went to play pool, and that was fun. I did make in some calculated shots, and looked like I actually knew how to play pool. It was fun. I work today, which is good-cause Im in serious need of money. I need to get the car back on the road, pay some bills, give ruth money-and go. Find some random couch to sleep on, some floor and I'll be set.


I cant wait for beach time up north :)

How to make yourself happy

-Spend quality time with your ever loving doggy.They always know when you need love, and always have plenty to give you :)
-Plan a journey to find peace with long lost, and not so lost friends. Even though they dont know exactly what your going through, friends can always lend an ear or a floor to sleep on.
-Get in touch with old family memebers, and plan a reuinion.
-Sit in the one spot that you feel most comfortable, and write or think or create. This will help channel all that energy into one spot and free you of it.
-Bake (or in my case,) burn some peanut butter lovers cookies. And eat them anyways. So what if theyre burnt-you made them :)
-Have the house to yourself and dance, or sing, or cry. Whatever you want to do to release that stress.
-Sip on some wine, or beer or coffee.Whatever your soul drink is, drink it.
-Talk to really great friends about nothing. Even if they live on the otherside of the country;make the effort. Its worth it.
-Take a long hot bath or shower. Or a quick one, sometimes that water just feels good.
-If youve got someone to cuddle with-DO IT. It feels :) happiness.
-Plan a trip. Anywhere, for anything. Thats what Im doing, and although its a big trip, and its stressing me out a bit;it is well worth it.

My journey for peace has now begun. Officially. I have my last day at work, and if I dont have enough money I dont. but,Im hoping I do, and Im hoping all this shit will soon be behind me, and I will be on my way to a better, healthier me.

You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh, thats right
I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me.
Yah huh, thats right
If someone said three years from now
you'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out'cause theyre all wrong
I know better cause you said forever
And ever who knew?
Remeber when we were such fool
sand so convinced and just too cool
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could, still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your belssings now
'fore there all gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
But they knew better
Still you said forever, and ever
who knew
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
And I wont forget you my friend

Tonight, leave me alone, Im lonely
Im tired, leave me alone, Im lonely
I don't want to wake up with another, but I dont always wanna wake up with you either.
Cutting off the phone, leave me the fuck alone and tomorrow Ill be begging you to come home.

I wonder how long it'll take them to notice that Im gone
And I wonder how far it'll take me, to runaway.
I was just trying to be myself
You can go your way, Ill meet you in hell.
This life dont make sense to me, Ive got to runaway.

Converstations with my 13 year old self, Youre laughing, but your hiding
God I knoew that trick to well.
You forget, that Ive been you
And now Im just the shell
I promise I love you
Everything will work out fine
Dont try to grow up yet,Oh just give it some time..

^^All excerpts from Pinks album. Really speaks for me right now.
Theres alot of shit going on right now,and Im sorry if Ive been blowing people off, or not telling them the whole story right now. I promise I will get around to it.

*On a side note, I'm deffinatly moving back up north. Im not sure exactly when yet, but Iam. :)

Ive learned recently, that I havent been happy for a very long time. My life got into a rut. I need to figure out how to get it out, and only I can do that. Im hoping that my moving back north will help. I ahve people there, friends already. I like that, and I need that. I havent had friends around in awhile. Im looking forward to it.

everything sucks. i hate where iam. i hate everything.

i dont even know what to write, or how to begin anymore.

i need a way out.

No entry for days, and then a double in one day?!?

Alright, so heres my biggest dilemia. Love.
Ive written an entry (or many entries) prior to this one about love. I love "love". I want to be in love again someday. Ive been in love before. With Andy-at times I didnt realize just how much thought until we were apart. I didnt realize what I had, and what Ive lost in such a short amount of time. I was truely lucky to have that love-and I know I will again someday.
This is a converstation Ive had with Andy numerous times now. Its something that I like feeling;that I want to feel again someday. But not now. Ive realized that Iam not ready to be in love. That my love for Andy and what weve shared has not completely dulled. I dont know when it will, but I know that I can not be involved with anyone anytime soon.
Ive met this guy. Hes great, funny, nice and caring. But I cant be in a relationship with him. I cant be with anyone right now.
I also think that guys are assholes right now. All guys. Yes. So, this guy, weve gone on a couple of dates, its cool. and he tells me hes falling for me?!?! WHAT! no, you dont do that. no. no. you cant. hes 20 and has been engaged 3 times?!?! yeah, no. apparently he falls for every girl that fast. why are guys assholes?

I havent really felt like writting lately. Its sad. None of my thoughts are complete-none of my words sound correct when I put them on paper. Its like they hit a brick wall and stall. They just stop. I hate it. I wish my mind were clearer, I wish that I wasnt so lazy, or so irresponsible. I mean, while Im being irresponsible-Im having fun. Completely free, no worries and no cares. But after the fact, it all hits me like a ton of bricks. Ive worked ONE shift since being back in Florida. Ive been back a week now. One 80 dollar shift compared to the three week $300+ vaction I just took doesnt help! My car is f'd cause I dont have insurance, and I havent registered it yet. Its gonna cost me almost $800 bucks. my taxes are still due. lol. i sent in some money-but not enough, so thats another $800. then I owe ruth back money-almost 1000. So, 2600 not to mention the car payment of 80 bucks dues september 20.
Im so confused lately on how I feel about everything. I mean everything. Love, life, school, work. EVERYTHING. Im not sure what makes me happy anymore. Im not sure what gets me excited. In the love department-im stuck. just stuck, i cant seem to move forward. I dont know why. theres so many things i want from the past.

Usually by now, Id be swimming in the pool, or tanning or at the beach. Not today. Not in this life;this new life that was picked for me-handed to me. No, not handed-handed is a good thing, a rich life-what i was given was slapped to me. Like an open slap across the face. The kind that stings and the spot lingers for awhile. Thats whats happened to me. A lingering sting right on my cheek.

I dont want to be here. I dont want this feeling anymore, this pit in my stomach. I hate this feeling. I miss the people I hung with up North, I miss being at ease-blah. But, I hate the weather and the living situation up north, and here. Im fucked. I hate it all.
I miss John, I miss Andy, Danielle, Jamal. I miss everyone. But- I dont know. Im so lost.

Love

Although I had a great time this past week, meeting people and learning new things; there was one thing that saddened me beyond belief. It was the only thing I could think of as I saw people hugging and kissing their partners, playing with their children, and listening to music. That one thing that laid heavy on my mind-that one thing that made me cry to Andy for hours. Was love. That feeling of knowing everything is going to be ok because your one person is near you, is touching you, is making love to you. That feeling of love that I once felt, that spark that makes sex ten times better. Wanting love, to be loved, to love. I want that. Thats what I told Andy-I want to be, feel and have love.
Theres this song Andy wrote last year after Burdock. It's called Namaste. Theres names of people that he met last year at Burdock, people he had only known a few days. 5 days exactly. This makes me sad. Not because he knew them for a short time (one of the girls in the song actually passed away last year), but because in all the years Ive known him-Ive never been in a song. Stupid, I know. But it hurts me. I know that in his own way he does "love" me,I know that he cares, but to me-knowing music is/was one of his biggest passions, and not having been involved with that side of him makes me feel inadaquit.
I opened my email yesterday after a week of no communication with the outside world and read this quote-I wish I had read it before the week in Maine.

I believe -That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

So, Iam back from Maine. Sitting at the Chelmsford library once again. Its so weird to sit here, staring at the computer screen after the week Ive had. So, last year Andy went to "Burdock", and told me it was the most amazing thing hes ever experienced, and I needed to go and see for myself. He didnt explain burdock to me at all....so I went to Burdock this year with a wide range of expectations. Basically Burdock (named after the burdock plant that once covered the area and feilds its held on) is a community with a wide range of people and veiws on society. Burdock is set to help people learn different trades and skills, and to teach skills used to build solidarity and to learn how to survive without technology and machines. Sustainable living without the "outside" world. I was very impressed with alot of the workshops that were run. Such things as "womans sexuality", "no prisions", and "sexual assult in an active community".Oh, and "eco-feminisim". I think in someways I deffinatly agree with alot of points that people brought up. I have been thinking about moving around as such, from place to place to figure out the meaning of my life-working random jobs, making random money. By finding communities as such it would be so much easier to do so. That way one doesnt have to search for apartments, write into leases and get f'd over. I also learned how to use certian plants for eating, coooking and for medicine. It really was a life changing experience. I will be back next year, but hopefully a little calmer and a lot more secure in myself and other people. I think at the end I was sending out really horrible vibes. I had eaten my first "brownie" and was so high that I was freaking the F out. I got weirded out by some people who had just shown up that day-seeing things, feeling weird ass things. But, I did meet some really great and amazingly open and free people. The river was amazing. It was really cold for me most of the time-but I did my best to bathe every morning (if not in the morning;then the afternoon) but ussually it was so cold, that it didnt work too well.
It was weird not sitting beside a fire last night seeing shooting stars, listening to music, singing along, it was weird sleeping in doors, on a soft object, and not sleeping in a tent, on the wet ground. Not hearing the pots banging and people yelling meal time. Its odd looking at this screen and typing like this when Im still feeling some effects of the brownie.Its weird coming back into this society when I was clearly away for a good amount of time. I do have to say the hot shower did feel real good.