so, my birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. The 27th of this month. I dont want to turn 25 at all. Can I be like,19 again? And start over. Completely over?
Or just to the begining of last year, and refocus, and maybe start going to The Shamrock before meeting Kyle, that way could have met Mike before that all.
blah.

more...

So, Ive been running into Kyle every weekend. It started on St. Patricks Day;I went to the pub and he was there with some other female. I just wanted to go up to her and say "run, run as fast and as far as you can." So that was on St. Patricks day..(Thats Katie and Mike and I)

Then I went to the blue room on friday with some people i work with, and saw him there.So, my friend went up to him and goes "hi, im stephanie. I work with rachel and Ive heard all about you"

ha, it was funny. he just glared at us all night. didnt say anything to me though. asshole.

so, saturday-i go to cracker barrell with holly for dinner, and then meet up with katie,mikey,ginger and jason at the blue room. Whos there, but Kyle. LoL, and here Iam hanging out with his brothers girlfriend, and when mike arrives Im hanging with mike as well. so, he makes some small talk to me..and is just a general asshole to me.

So, its March 22nd, 2007- another month of 07 is passing by-and Ive done shit.
Im so mad at myself, so mad that I havent dont shit with my life. Depression sucks. Its a big cycle and spiral that happens, I have huge ups and downs, but as long as I dont show other people I feel like thats ok then. If Im constent in front of others than they cant say things, right?

shoulder...

Last Friday I fucked my shoulder up hardcore, I pulled a muscle or pinched a nerve or something, and it still kills. It sucks! I know tonight it going to be busy as well.
Last night we got rocked. I had to split a party of 32 with 3 other servers, that kinda sucked. We only made 25 bucks each on it. Sitty. But the I had a group of 6 guys and they were hysterical! They tipped me 50 on 156, so I was cool with that.
Then I went to the pub and hung out with Nella and Heather for awhile.Well, ok till 3 am. I love those girlies! Theyre way too funny and sweet and yeah, love em.
I dont know if Im gonna go out tonight though, Im so tired. I pretty much just woke up.I was up at like 8-and fell asleep at 12, and just woke up. Im drinking coffee, and then Ill eat and then shower. Then work,hopefully I make money tonight.

my lame thankful list

I've decieded that I need to push myself to write a thankful list. I'm feeling like shit, because Iam letting myself feel like shit. I can change this feeling. Last night I just came home and went to bed, I used that sleep balm I bought at Cracker Barrell, and it works really well. I didnt have any nightmares, and I woke up at 930. Micheal still wasnt back with the truck (thats another reason I slept so well, Im sure.) I switched my laundry over and was like, wow i feel great, i should sleep for another 30 minutes. An hour and a half later, I wake up. Tired and feeling shitty! Damn it! I should have just stayed up at 930. I was gonna meet up with people at the pub last night, but after wednesday i kinda feel like they dont wanna hang out. Whatever. Anyways, on to my thankful list....

As always, my dog. :) I love him lots.
The conversation with my Aunt, although Im sure it wont go anywhere, shes heard me and understands to a certain extent.
Mikey-hes awesome:) and way funny and can make me laugh!
Everyone at the pub, I still love them and am just being me with theself essteem thing again.
Sam, I love her.She is so funny and sweet and drives me around :)
Playing shitty darts, lol. its fun.
The fact that I have a job, although it maybe shitty and I hate it, I still have one.

I know when I write my "thankful" lists I always feel better, but lately I don't know what to write.
Its hard for me to be thankful for manythings right now, and thats probably why I feel like shit. I feel a bit abandoned right now by everyone and everything I thought I could count on.

grrr

I had yesterday off and cooked all day. It was nice. Since I didnt go out Tuesday night, I had gotten good sleep. Sandi and I stayed up till 2am just talking. We hadnt done that in forever. I went up to the pub yesteday and played darts and trivia-it was fun. Then, Heather Nella and I went to breakfast at IHOP. I love eggs benidict, theyre so yummy!!!

I was gonna try and hibernate this whole week, but after Micheal being such a dumb ass yesterday, I needed to go out.I was tired though, and feel asleep while they were smoking ciggerates. lol.So, Heather dropped me off, and I fall fast asleep and then I hear Micheal singing on the top of his lungs in the kitchen, what the hell-so I had to ask him to lower it a notch or two. Grrr, wtf, it was like 5 am or something. BLAH.

Sam, and I went to lunch yesterday. At Dixies, it was soooo good. We had maine lobster, rock shrimp, crab legs, scollops, and shrimp cocktail. Carlie, her daughter was with us and it was adorable. Then Sam had a doctors apointment, and I watched Carlie while she was in. It was fun. Then I came home a cleaned and got ready for cheesy tv and sleep. Which was great. I could have used a bit extra sleep (Micheal woke me up at 4 am...yeah!)
Now, Im going to work. And maybe stopping by the pub to say hi to Holly, we'll see how work goes :)

Loss

I ate lunch at Cracker Barrell with Ian yesterday. I ended up crying because Iam so fed up with all the bullshit going on at the house. Micheals back-yup, you know those two weeks already came and gone. Im just fed up with having to deal with someone whos such a slob. (mind you, Im not the cleanest, but at least I pick up after myself.)I also dont go out somewhere with out offering to pick them up something. Whatever-long story short, Ian didnt laugh at me for saying I need to center myself and go camping-he actually agreed. It was cool. Hes a really sweet guy, and Ill miss him when he leaves.

Im really not going out this week-I came straight home last night and Im just going out to lunch with Sam today, and then I MIGHT go to the pub after work tomorrow and visit Holly. But Im not sure yet. If I do, Ill drink coke adn waters :) Maybe order some food and just throw darts.We'll see.

Last night at work I was so out of it, and I was a horrible server, and I just didnt want to be there.It's been like that for a little bit now. I just need to refocus myself. and figure out what I want, and how to achive it. I need to start meditating.

I love the pub and IHOP at 3 am.

I swear for the next week, Iam not going out. Im going to work, and thats it! Im exhausted, and cranky (I think Im getting my period), and just down right mean. After work (which was kinda busy) I went to the pub-then went to IHOP again this morning. I love eggs benidict after drinking Irish Kisses all night. I threw darts last night, and I figure if I hit the board, Im ok:) I got in at 4 am and went straight to bed, and had some messed up dreams. Im just so cranky! Heather was working and it was kereoke night at the pub-so I called Mikey to see if Kyle were there and he wasnt so I went over. Nella, Jerry and their parents were there. Their mom actually went out of her way to come over and say hi to me. We chatted for a bit, shes nice. Heather invited me to the wedding, and at first I was like "well, I dont want to go to the reception cause I dont want Kyle to say shit and ruin her day." But now, Ive decieded to go. Heather told Mikey no dates, cause she doesnt have the room and she said but you and rachel can go together cause your both included in the head count. And its kinda funny cause I said that to mikey the other night too.

I just dont know what to get them. Im thinking of buying them a subscription to the beer of the month club. They both like micro brews and such. I dont know though.

I need to slow down.

I can't believe the second month of 2007 is almost over. What the hell happened? What have I been doing?Lets see, January started off horribly. With me being sick for almost a month straight, the whole Kyle thing, and the Micheal/Sandi thing. Yeah, January was not so much fun. Then we get to February. Still sick, more Kyle bullshit. More Micheal/Sandi shit, and loosing friends. It hasnt been such a great year.Don't you think I deserve a good week or two? Wouldnt that be nice?

The last week has been fun. (other than the text messaging issues)Last Weds (Valentines Day), I went up to the pub and hung out with Holly, Mike and Ian. Ian drove me home after work. Then Friday Ian picked me up, and we went to the pub to see Heather, Mikey,Nella-Ian and I then went to the lion and then met back up with everyone at IHOP. I love IHOP. They have the best eggs benidict. Then Saturday(I think) I went over to the pub for a little bit. Sunday I just hung out. I bought Ian dinner cause hes supposed to be leaving for the AF soon. Then I went to the pub.(shocker) and talked to Heather and Nella for a bit. Then monday I was back at the pub and hung out and played shitty darts, and then we went to IHOP again, and I bought Mike and Hollys breakfast for driving my ass around. Then I went to the pub on Tuesday and stayed with Holly till 2 and she drove me home.Wednesday, I stayed home-I was so exhausted.(they should either charge me rent, or pay me,) Thursday I was at the pub visiting Holly durring the day, and then left and came back later. Heather, Nella and I ended up going to the bowling alley for a beer at 2am. And then last night, Mikey picked me up from work and we went to the pub for a beer, then went to the Irish Pub and I had french martinis, a kona beer, a blue moon and a lemon drop. OMG, I threw up hard core. Mikey drove me home ,and I didnt want to throw up in his car, so i had to have him pull over three times. damn lemon drops.

Mikey wants to go out tonight, and Im kinda like no-but at the same time I want to go. And not drink. At all. Theres a mardi gras party tonight, were thinking about meeting up with some people over there.

Long, but read the bold-its good stuff.

So, even though Ive already said this enough. I think I need to write down shit.
Starting WAY back in December, Kyle started telling people he didnt think that he and I were going to work out. In Decemeber. Mind you, we had only been together a few weeks at this point. My question is, if he felt this way-why didnt he break it off with me?! And why did he talk to me about moving in together?!? Ugh. Anyways,by this time I had become close to Holly(Kyles brothers G/F), Nella(Kyles sister), Heather(Kyles brothers fiance), and people at the pub. Kyle had even said to me at one point, if we ever break up-you know you still have friends and family at the pub.(Ive recently come to find out that Nella and Heather both told kyle that they really like hanging out with me and if we broke up would it be ok to still hang around me..and kyle said it was fine)...on new years eve he ended up saying whacked shit about me (like someone asked where i was, and he said i dont know, probably in the bathroom flirting with some guy trying to get fucked.) he also told someone he was going to break my heart...and he told me that the whole time we were dating, he had been comparing me to his ex and i had big shoes to fill.
So, I broke up with him. I didnt want to loose the good people I had met and befriended i.e.Holly, Nella, Heather and so on. Ive talked to the people I want to talk to about it, and everyone is fine with it.

So, everything is ok. I hang with Holly and talk for hours at the bar, I hang out with Mikey, I talk to Ian....and all...and then it comes back to me that Kyle is assuming that Mikey and I are dating (oh, btw-when I broke up with Kyle-his first reaction was.."whats his name"...so, he thinks ive been cheating on him...while i haev staph for two weeks. DUMB ASS)...So, anyways,Mikey, Ian and Heather (and a bunch of other people...)go bowling, and Ian Heather and Mikey all invite me to go..Heather had called Kyle first to see if he wanted to go, and he asked if I were going to be there. Heather said if he wasnt going she was going to invite me. He said no. So reitterated the fact she was going to call me and Invite me... so, I end up going and who shows up? Kyle. He calls me over and says "youve won. you cna have them." im like, won what, have who? and hes nods towards everyone bowling and says them. you can have them theyre yours, congrats.

I walked away from him and bowled my only strike of the night.

I text him later and say-Im sorry. I never meant for it to be this way. and in response this is what I got "Iam quite certain of the contrary.You feel no remorse. Dark tidings to you and yours,Im confident you will destroy yourself.In all honesty I should. Thank you for the reminder. So you and Ian huh? Interesting." (Ian is a good friend, whos been driving my carless ass around.So, first I cheated on him, then I hooked up with Mikey and now Ian.)

To which I responded, No not Ian and I. First it was Mikey now Ian. You need help Kyle. Seriously.
and here come the best texts of them all. Read carefully.
"Indeed everything was fine until you started pursuing my friends and family. Lets see do I hang out with Rachels friends?No! You know why? A. its out of courtesy.B. I cant because you have villianized me wth half the twon. My friends and Family WERE my outlet. Thank you. I dont need help. Choke and die you manipulative pathetic genetic mistake. I will be avoiding you like the degenerate plague you are.

I dont know whats wrong with me lately. Ive just been a little, i dont know...not here. Like nothing makes me happy right now, nothing makes me want to get out of bed. I hate depression. I hate being this way. I dislike not caring. i want to care. i just cant find anything to care about.

Wanting to run, but no where to go

I hate valentines day. Not only cause I was single this year, (I was single last year too, for the record.) but because its a mad up holiday. Blah. Maybe Iam a tad bit bitter, the last time I got a Valentines day card was in 2005.From Jackie, not even from Andy. Andy didnt even buy me anything that year. Only a guy I had worked with for a MONTH bought me something. O, I decieded IAM bitter. crap. I hate what Ive become...

Anyways, last night was horrible, people sucked, and didnt tip well. I made shit. I ended up calling/texting Holly to see what she was up to. She was at the pub-shocker. She told me Kyle was there, but to come anyways, soI got dropped off there, and THANKFULLY Kyle had just left and Ian was bartending, so I hung out with him till Holly came back with Mike. They played darts for a bit and Ian and were chatting-I love that guy. Hes really sweet, Holly was gonna drive me home, but I stayed with Ian till 2am, and I helped him clean the bar and he drove me home.Hes been called back into the military and leaves at the end of next week for whereever,thats shitty.

Kyles being s fucking juvenille about this whole situation, hes mad at ME, at ME -because people have confronted him about our break up. Well, thats not my fault, I havent said anything FALSE to anyone like he HAS. Hes lied his fucking ass off the whole time we were together. Im so over it though, and so done. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

Alright I know I havent written anything worth reading in here lately, so here it goes. First off, Kyle and I broke up. Lots of little things added up, and I couldnt take it anymore. I know I have some issues with relationships and I know I have past stories of being fucked over and fucking people over, and shit....but DAMN. I can NOT be in a relationship in which I am not trusted from the get go. Especially when I havent done anything not to be trusted by said person. I can not deal with my signifacant other talking shit behind my back to people I know and like and I especially cant stand it when none of it is true. I cant have him second guessing me two months into the relationship and think that its ok. Its not, and it will never be ok.My biggest fear was that he would tell people falsehoods and reasons why we broke up. And he did. But, thankfully no one believes him. I love these people, I really do. I think theyre all great and funny people. And thankfully, they think the same about me, and no ones taking anything he says to heart.
Secondly,the whole Micheal/Sandi situation is even more fucked up now. I dont know what Im going to do. A couple of weeks ago, Micheal ended up flipping and totalling the truck. (this was after sandi kicked him out for doing something, and then let him come back in)Then he wanted to borrow the car, (the rental mindyou) after he was all fucked up, and she said no, so they started fighting, he got violent-towards himself....he ended up taking a hammer to his own head and hitting himself. Needless to say, she callled 911, and then he went to the hospital, and then a rehab....the rehab wasnt working for him, so he came back here. Yes, you read that correctly (oh, in between this time, Lewis and Ruth cam eover from Tampa and stayed a few days, Sandi ended up getting a restraining order, which was never served...and thats why he was able to come back to the house.)he came back here for a few days, and then sandi drove micheal to a new rehab clear across the state. And, in less than 30 days from now, sheis letting him come stay here for what she says will be only "2 weeks"..my ass...whatever...
on another note, my staph infection is gone (i think,...) but now, i have joint pain like ive never had before. My whole body is achy....my feet are so swollen, they look like hobbit feet, my fingers are swollen and my wrists, knees and shins hurt so bad I could cry.Actually, I have cried. I just lay in bed and sob, because it hurts so much.Yesterday morning I tried to get out of bed and I fell. My legs couldnt support me, it ws so weird and frustrating. It hurts to walk, and I have to walk to the bus stop today, and then to work. Its horrible.
Monday and last night, sandi let me use the car, it was cool. I got so much stuff done monday (oh, sandi got a cute kia something or other, its adorable) it was great, i went grocery shopping,a nd washed my blankets and got a quick pick ticket for a buck, im excited about it. theres so much stuff i would do with the money. itd make life a bit easier. its be great. last night i went over to the pub and just talked ot holly for about 2 hours, it was great. i needed it.

i can not seem to go one week without something happening in my life. it sucks, turns out i got staph, and im on antibiotics, and yet AGAIN, iam allergic to the medicine!!ive been outta work a week and iam so broke and sick, i just want to cry

Long. Tired. Bullshit.

Sorry I havent written anything lately.
Its been a crazy week or so.
First off, I needed to do some soul searching, so I didnt see Kyle for about a week or so. i just needed to figure out what I wanted for myself and all that good jazz. I still havent gobne camping, but I did have some good quality time with Nkki and we did talk and I actually figured some stuff out about myself while she was rambling about her and her boyfriend.
Secondly, Micheal got violent with Sandi-he didnt hit her, but pushed her and threw things at her. Then he started punching himself and trying to get her to punch him, and then banged his head up against the wall. Started foaming at the mouth and hit himself in the head with a hammer and started bleeding. She called 911, and they took him to the hospitial. Ruth and Lewis (who live in Tampa) came over on wednesday and stayed till sunday am. So, thats whats been going on with me.

I have to go to the clinic today (i dont hvae health insurance), I have this "growth" underneath my arm, so I have to have that taken care of. I dont think its anything to worry about, but its irriating-so I want to get rid of it. I promis Ill write more later on.

I have this incredible over-whelming urge to go camping. To sleep in a tent, and to wake up and be so free and so happy. This urge to sit around a fire deep into the night/morning singing songs and listening to guitar. To hear "Wagon Wheel", and "Black Water", and "What shall we do with a drunken sailor?". I want this right now.
It's an urge I dont know how to fulfill.

I really hate were Iam right now.
Last night, Sandi and Micheal must of fought, cause I woke up to a tow truck bringing the truck back into the yard. Apparently Micheal "flipped" the truck. Thats according to Sandi though, so who knows.
And then this morning, I go to brush my teeth and theres no running water. WTF?!?! NO water, what-so-ever.NONE, There goes my plans of cleaning the kitchen (which btw, when I poured Micheals 3 day old ramen noodles down the drain, fruit flies came up....WTH, WHERE THE FUCK AM I?!?! WHERE AM I LIVING!!!?!?!) Look what hes done to her house, its DISGUSTING!
Im so mad I can't even write any more.

last night was crazy.
i drank way too much, way too fast.
yes, yes i did.